Merry..................Christmas

Dial-up...........internet..........is so...........slow. I should've.........gotten..........Mom............DSL for..............Christmas.

Merry............Christmas...........................everyone.

I might post................more.................when................I have.....................more....................................patience.

Tis The Season To Be Frantic

Cram, cram, cram. I have about fitty-tree things to do before we head to Georgia. Considering I only started my holiday shopping about a week ago, I’m doing pretty well. Have a few more gifts to take care of. In addition to that, however, I still have to do laundry, pack, clean The Bird’s cage, set up The Bird’s travel cage, pack The Bird’s bag, tidy up the house, and make a list of stuff to pack that I will forget if I don’t make a list before I start packing. (Side note: Yes, having a bird is a lot like having a child. A future blog entry is in the works.)

"Sleigh Ride" I hate that song. It makes me want to rupture my eardrums with a bamboo skewer. I cringe every time I hear it.

Our server here at work is down. How am I supposed to finish my last minute holiday shopping during lunch if I can’t get on the freaking internet? Oh! How creepy! Right after I typed that sentence, I clicked on IE and lo and behold…I’m online! Yay! (Since I’m connected, does anyone need anything from Barnes and Noble?)

Tis The Season To Be Tacky

After getting off the train this morning, I was sure that it had somehow turned into a time machine and took me back to 1986. Walking in front of me was a woman wearing:

a santa hat
black, pleather jacket
purple gloves
black, acid wash jeans
thick, scrunchy socks with the jeans tucked into them
Reebok sneakers (sadly, they were not high-tops)

The look was completed by the cigarette dangling out of her mouth with an inch long ash.

Some People Will Have A Happier Holiday Than Others

A few of the items recently found with Froogle:
dart board
ping pong table
diablo 2
glycolic acid
thank you cards
low rise jeans
pet door
pregnancy test
larry bird jersey
shoe horn
diamond earrings
gps watch
duct tape
lava lamp
chinese cleaver
grass seed
salmon
throwback jersey
kate spade handbag
waffle iron
fish oil
easy bake oven
kangol hat
buffalo meat
belle and sebastian
corduroy skirt
gold watch
hummingbird feeder

Is it acceptable to regift glycolic acid?

Things That Sound Dirty But Really Aren't

"Buck Lick"

Thanks to my fabulous co-worker, I now have a salt block in my backyard for our resident deer. Yay! A friend who will pick one of these up, bring it over to your house, put it in your yard, hang out in your yard and call you on your cell phone because you're not home to give you a backyard wildlife update, is a friend to keep forever. I'm glad at least one deer showed up while she and her husband were there, because they really deserved a reward for their salt block endeavors. I have been informed (by my co-worker, not the deer) that it is acorn flavored (read the package, did not try it for herself). I am resisting the urge to try it.


© Screaming Pea Productions

I have not yet seen the deer actually using the salt lick, but they are frequently hanging around. The Boss and I went outside Sunday morning to finish the storage shed and were soon surprised by four of them. We all just stared at each other for a while. Two of them easily cleared a portion of chain link fence on the property next to ours. The two others stayed on the other side because the gimpy one couldn't jump over the fence. I guess normally they would've come through our yard to get around it. We decided to go inside for a little bit, hoping that would let the two join up with the others. Gimpy and friend then headed off away from our yard, and showed up a few minutes later on the same side of the fence as the first two. Problem solved and all was well in Deerland.

Happiness Is...

a warm, snoring dog drooling on my lap.

This May Be The End

Nooooooooooo. Please tell me this isn't real. Not THE CLOCK. I can handle spyware. Viruses and worms, even. But for the love of all that is holy, I cannot deal with time telling inaccuracies.

On a related note, Panicware has a really good and free pop-up stopper.

Open Letter To Those Beyond The Grave

Dear Ghosts, Souls, Spirits, Ghouls, Phantoms, and specifically John Wayne and Lizzie Borden:

If I may be so bold, I would like to request that several of you band together to stage a pistol-whipping of extra-special proportions. Please.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Invert "Searching For My Ouija Board Keychain" Girl

I Am Embarassed To Be Among The Living

Has anyone been following the Ghost Cane auction on ebay and the hoopla that has ensued? What started out as a creative mom finding a way to try to ease her 5 year-old's fears has turned into a circus for people with way too much time on their hands. Golden Palace Casino bought the ghost/cane for $65,000. (Side note: Last month they paid $28,000 for a grilled chesse sandwich that bears the image of the Virgin Mary.) Seriously. I can't make this shit up, people. I'm cutting Golden Palace some slack, however, because they give a ton of money to many different charities. Their fundraising methods may be a little tacky, but it works.

Other Opportunists:

The bottom-feeders who have simply copied Mary Anderson's auction (some even using the picture of her deceased father) to make a quick buck.

The variations on a theme folks. And another.

The holiday variations on a theme folks. And another.

The pathetic attempt folks. (C'mon...we all know that's part of your odds-and-ends college silverware collection.)

The downright creepy folks. Eew eew eew eew eew.

The folks who think they're funny.

The folks who are rather funny. And another. And another.

The folks who post useless crap that people buy even though it's totally useless.

Even folks who are not yet ghosts are getting in on the action.

This is completely and totally out of hand. I am having a serious problem wrapping my brain around this.

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmakwanzukkah

Decorations are appearing in mass. Music is filling the air. It's getting colder by the day. And Invert Girl has not yet started her holiday shopping. This is a problem. Usually by now I have a detailed spreadsheet with everyone's names, gift ideas, web site links, etc. This year I'm totally stumped. I've had to resort to asking people what they want, which I hate doing, but it has to be done. I don't know where the time went. Thank goodness for Froogle.

Hmmm...maybe I will just make everyone their very own, original work of art in MS Paint.

Here are the first three of a series called "Variations on a Bucking Barrel"


© Screaming Pea Productions


© Screaming Pea Productions


© Screaming Pea Productions

Thankfulness

I'm thankful for all of the standard things that I should be thankful for: The Boss, The Dog, The Bird, The Family, The Friends.

I'm thankful for my friends at work and their "odd" senses of humor. They make it easier to get through the rough days.

I'm thankful for the zoo, for the dedication of the zoo staff, and I'm especially thankful that I get to volunteer there.

I'm thankful for a great Thanksgiving trip to West Virginia and being able to spend time with The Boss' family.

Scene I: The Boss, The Dog and I are helping Grandma with Thanksgiving dinner
Grandma B: accidentally drops a raw egg on the kitchen floor and says to The Dog
Don't come in here and eat that or you'll get gonorrhea.
The Boss and I: howl with laughter until we're crying
Grandma B: laughing No wait...I mean salmonella.

Scene II: Girl Cousin, age 3-ish and Boy Cousin, age 5-ish are at the window watching The Boss play fetch with The Dog
Boy Cousin: No Doggie! You can't go over there.
Girl Cousin: Don't tell The Dog where she can't go. She's The Dog. She can go where she wants to.
Boy Cousin: No she can't.
Girl Cousin: I'll break your head! immediately followed by a fit of high-pitched laughter

Happy Thanksgiving

Ribbit

© Screaming Pea Productions
Poision Dart Frog?
National Aquarium in Baltimore

I was going through some of my photos last night and found this little guy.

Or You Could Shorten the Name To "Not Done"

The "New York Ave - Florida Ave - Gallaudet U" metrorail station will have it's grand opening tomorrow. From the looks of the station, however, I'm a bit skeptical. You know on Trading Spaces when they get to the part where they have an hour left, and the rooms are still in shambles? That's what the NYAFAGU station looked like today.

Now some of you may be thinking, "But they always manage to finish on Trading Spaces." Yeah, they do. But in that scramble to finish they usually end up securing things with a staple gun and hot glue. That might be okay for TV. I would think that a train station needs work of a slightly higher quality.

Overdue Update: Wanda Sykes' Show

The Boss took the spotlight Friday night with a fabulous one-liner that stumped the opening act.

Picture it: Keith Robinson is doing a bit about marriage. He doesn't understand why anyone would protest to get married. Only gay people want it enough to protest for it. Let 'em have it. He doesn't care. The Boss and I are sitting second row, center and I guess he picked us out as the stereotypical lesbian couple.

Keith: looks at The Boss and asks Would you protest to marry her? and points to me
The Boss: looks at me and then looks at him funny and says She's my sister.
(Immediate laughter from everyone within earshot. I laugh so hard I almost pee.)
Keith: (Look of, "I was totally not expecting that response, now what the hell do I say.") Oh...uh...so she's your sister.
(Roar of laughter from the entire audience.)
Keith: Well...I guess you'd have to protest for that, too.
(Laughter)
The Boss: No, I'm sorry. I'm just kidding. She's not my sister and yes, I'd protest to marry her.
(Applause from the folks within earshot, with enthusiastic applause from the lesbian couple sitting in our section.)

Wanda was extremely awesome. There were times when I laughed so hard my face hurt. I also love when comedians crack themselves up, which she did a few times. You know it's some funny shit when the person telling the joke has to stop what they're saying to lean on a stool and have their own laughing fit. I highly recommend you check out her appearance schedule and go see her.

For The Dog

Happy 8th Birthday!!!


© Mudd's Biggest Fans
Then (6 weeks old)


© HJB
Now (8 years old)

Do Something (Part II)

Trial size toiletries can be really heavy if you buy about 50 of them. No, I don't have an unhealthy obsession with mini soaps and lotions. (Okay...well...actually I do, but not this time.) I'm getting stuff together for care packages to send to folks in our military. Today is becoming the slowest day ever. It's cold and rainy. And I'm antsy. So during lunch, I wandered down to the corner drugstore and bought a basket full of soap, lotion, toothpaste/brushes, razors, etc. All of it is stuff that we take for granted, but to a lot of the U.S. soldiers stationed overseas, the stuff is more precious than gold.

Do Something (Part I)

Today I donated all of my Delta Skymiles to Operation Hero Miles/Fisher House Foundation to help US troops in Afghanistan and Iraq get home when they are on leave.

After last week's election, I decided that I wanted to start doing more to make a difference. I'm going to post things here to help me keep track. And everyone feel free to harass me if I've gone a while without a "Do Something" post. Also, I'll be posting/changing the sidebar links periodically.

Special thanks to riggie for her post that helped get my ass in gear.

I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

On The Election


I am reserving the right to still become depressed at times throughout the next four years, but for the most part I will cowboy up and do my part to get the Democrats back on track. This wake-up call sucks, but at least there's hope of stopping the handbasket before it gets to the border.

I Am Covered In Lint And I Don’t Care

Dear Today,

Please hurry up and be over with. I have no use for you.

Rethinking my decision to wear a gray sweatshirt over a black shirt,
Invert Girl


I just want to be at home, curled up in my sleeping bag on an air mattress in our sunroom. The weather is perfect for that today – a little bit chilly and not overly sunny. I opened the blinds here at work thinking the niceness of the day would help me feel better. It actually just made me sad that I’m at work, so the blinds are now closed.

I have a bunch of updates I want to post (the Wanda Sykes show and weekend fun, in particular) but I just don’t have the energy now.

Geography 101: Post-Election

Image courtesy of Whoever Created It

In Case You're Wanting To Get The Hell Outta Dodge

Electing to Leave: A reader’s guide to expatriating on November 3

Are any of the airlines running one-way post-election specials?

This Pretty Much Sums It Up

"Bush identifies with his core by showing no understanding of the issues." -Kent Jones, Air America

Random Thoughts While Watching Election Coverage

CNN alone is sending cosmetic stocks through the roof. Possibly morticians wax stocks as well. Are those guys really real?

I'm doing a shot (of water) for every electoral vote that goes to Kerry.

Judy Woodruff creeps me out.

I've started drinking (hard cider).

Bob Woodward just used the phrase "valium cooler." What exactly is that and where can I get one?

John Kerry is going to win because our dog is wearing her Democrat Blue collar.

A guy outside the CNN studio has a shirt on that says "Fuck This Shit"

The Boss is making an Excel spreadsheet of Electoral Votes.

I have finished a phone conversation with my mom in which I:
blamed her for Georgia going to Bush
told her I would not be calling her when Kerry wins because I will be too drunk
passed along The Boss' statement that my mom was watching FacistNews.com (i.e. Fox News)

It is 9:53pm and a gang of annoying people have taken over CNN.

Jenna Bush has some really freaking ugly green pumps.

Joe uh Lockhart is uh really uh really uh umm uh boring. Da bears.

Thank you Daily Show. Thank you. I need you right about now.

Rev. Al Sharpton cracks me up.

The Boss is getting depressed and negative. She needs to drink more and faster.

Wolf Blitzer has missed his calling as a Home Shopping Network host.

I have moved on to hard liquor (gin and tonic).

This Just In - There is other news going on in the world. Who knew?

It's been a while since we've had some solid polling results.

Break in the normal voting coverage to give us the election version of News of the Wierd: Michael Moore is putting cameras in polling places
An astronaut is voting from space

Dammit Ohio. C'mon people.

The gin was starting to hit me a little to hard so I've switched to Jack and coke. (Really...that statement makes sense in my world.)

Yes we know, states are banning gay marriage. Because gays are the ones who are destroying the sanctity of marriage. Nevermind divorce, adultery, reality TV shows. It's the gays.

Sucking down the Jack 'n' coke

I hear Canada has a pretty good healthcare system. And they like the gays. Hmmmm.......

I want Martin Sheen to be President. The Martin Sheen from West Wing. Aaron Sorkin can be VP. I'd vote for that. Twice.

I look forward to a time...in a land far, far away...when and where Michael Jackson is no longer a news regular.

Rockefeller Center is not as impressive in person as it seems on TV. I know. I was there two years ago in November, for the first time ever. Yes, I had never been to New York before 2002. The Boss' mom took us there for a day outing to see Our Town (w/Paul Newman and Jane Curtain, which was really cool). I had always wanted to go to New York City. Once there, the Boss made a slight correction to my aspirations: "Apparently, you had always wanted to visit a sound stage of New York City." TV definitely makes it look different. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to go back and spend more time there, but TV New York and Real Life New York look completely different.

Kerry 206. Bush 207. Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh. The suspense is killing me.

The Dog is curled up on the couch like she's coming down from a long bender. She looks like we feel.

Hi P. Diddy! Vote or Die, baby. Vote or Die! Glad you got some air time.

Florida sucks. Bastards. I hated living there and now I hate the whole state (with the exception of the FANTASTIC Santa Fe Community College Teaching Zoo (and all the other animal places) and my family and friends that live there).

The Bird just made noises similar to the sound effects from the shower scene in Psycho.

Ohio is now in the "States that Invert Girl Hates" category.

Maybe we should've put the red collar on The Dog.

Now I will go cry, fold the laundry and go to bed.

I Voted Dammit!

© Screaming Pea Productions

Either a disproportionate amount of the population has last names that begin with the letters A-G, or a big chunk of people with last names beginning with the letters H-Z were abducted by aliens last night (at least in Northern Virginia anyway). Or maybe the A-G voters are just really slow. Or the H-Z folks are evening voters. This morning I just breezed right on into the H-O line and voted. Then I had to wait in the parking lot for The Boss since we carpooled, and she's an A-G person. As I sleepily stood in the nice, warm sun, these are the thoughts that went through my head:

My sister's birthday is this week. I guess I could send her flowers. I really don't know what else to send her. I don't know of anything she needs, except for maybe a new husband. I don't think she'd like a new husband - not from me anyway. I can't even pick out clothes she likes, so my chances of picking out a husband that she likes are about a billion to one. I bet her current husband wouldn't like the new husband either. I wonder if he knows how much I don't like him. I probably shouldn't bring that up over the holidays.

Hey, weren't the terrorists supposed to disrupt our elections? Maybe they thought that last Bin Laden tape would be disruptive. If they did, they really overestimated themselves.

I have a lot of admiration for people who can effortlessly back up large vehicles, like garbage trucks, into small spaces.

Shit. I forgot to put our trash out. Or is today recycling day? I just looked at the letter last night and I've already forgotten which day is which. Oh well, it doesn't matter because I didn't remember to put any of it out at the end of the driveway. Maybe I should put a sign on the trashcan, because eventually I'm going to lose that letter. It would be embarrassing to have to call the trash company every three days to ask them which day gets which service. I don't want to be "that customer."

Another voter brought their dog. I've seen more dogs here this morning than children. I wonder if any of the dog people have kids. Brought their dog, but left the kids at home. That would be funny.

I wonder if tomorrow morning we'll really know who the next President will be. I sincerely doubt it. There are too many variables. The only thing I'm sure of for tomorrow is that I'll be tired and hungover.

It's getting a little too warm out here, but I don't want to take off my hooded-sweatshirt. I need to buy new clothes. I wear the same 5 outfits to work every week. I wonder if people have noticed. Probably. I just don't care enough to buy new clothes. It's such a pain in the ass and a waste of time. I do really want some cozy, long sleeved shirts, though. They might be worth the effort.

Didn't that couple go into the polling place with 3 children? Why are they only coming out with two? Do they realize that they only have two children with them right now? They look intelligent enough. They're smart enough to vote for Kerry, so surely they're smart enough to count their children. Maybe the third kid belonged to someone else in line. I hope kid #3 didn't get abandoned. Why am I worrying about this? Obviously these people would've left with 3 kids if all 3 kids belonged to them. And anyway, kid #3 is cute so he'll have no trouble finding a new home.

The "I Voted" stickers have gotten much more elaborate.

Why aren't there more slogans about voting? There are the standards: Rock the Vote and Choose or Lose. I've heard "Make your vote count" and "Vote Early, Vote Often" quite a bit. P. Diddy's got the new "Vote or Die." How about substituting "vote" into product slogans:
-Catch the Wave...Vote.
-I'd like to buy the world a Vote.
-You're in good hands with Voting.
-I am stuck on Voting.
-Please don't squeeze the Voters.
-Sometimes you feel like a Vote, sometimes you don't.
-The King of Votes.
-This Vote's for you.
-Four out of five dentists recommend Voting.
-This is your Vote. This is your Vote on drugs. Any questions?
-Votes melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
-Let your fingers do the Voting.
-Snap! Crackle! Vote!
-Reach out and Vote someone.
-Nobody better lay a finger on my Vote.
-Leggo my Vote.
-There's always room for Voting.
-My baloney has a first name, it's V-O-T-E-R.
-Got Vote?
-Vote. It's what's for dinner.
-I'm not a Voter, but I play one on TV.
-We've replaced their regular candidate with Folger's Crystals.

Seriously folks, this is the kind of crap that just streams through my head. Whenever you see me with a furrowed brow, staring off at nothing, I am not pondering the meaning of our existence or making life-changing decisions. So please, when you see me in this altered state, tap me on the shoulder and strike up a conversation if you don't want to see any more of this nonsensical rambling in my blog.

Vote Dammit!

I was much more blissful when I didn't care about politics. Ignorant, but blissful.

I'm done discussing. I'm done reasoning. I'm done persuading. I'm done convincing. I'm done thinking. I'm just done. I believe I have hit political burnout. At this point, I don't even care who anybody votes for. Just go out and vote tomorrow. If you're still undecided, vote for Kerry. If you don't vote at all, you had better not utter even half a syllable of a complaint or a whine for the next four years. And if you do, may the Forces of Good kill you slowly with hanging chads.

*gets down off the soap box before she loses her balance and falls*

Happy Halloween!!!

AP Photo, Zoological Society of San Diego, Tammy Spratt

Being that we are on a somewhat busy road, I wasn't sure we'd get any trick-or-treaters, but I put up some Halloween decorations and lights in hopes of attracting at least a few. And it worked! Got one group of three, who hit the jackpot and got three-fourths of my candy bowl divided among them.

Watched Thir13en Ghosts tonight. The concept was interesting: A man, who is collecting and imprisoning ghosts in his basement in order to break some supernatural code and open the gates of hell, dies and leaves his house to his nephew. Sadly, the movie was not as interesting as the concept. The majority of the movie is taken up by the clueless nephew and his family trying to figure out what the hell is going on, with the help of a couple of freaky people that worked for the dead uncle. Oh, and they could only see the ghosts with the help of their special ghost goggles. Hokey. I would rather have seen a movie revolving around the uncle and how he collected each ghost.

In good scary movie news, The Silence of the Lambs special edition DVD has some interesting features, including deleted scenes and outtakes. I need to order it. I've nearly worn out my VHS copy.

I'm Rich!!!

According to all of the emails I've received this week regarding European Lottos and Nigerian Trust Funds.....
I'm entitled to approximately 7.53 kajillion dollars!

Best. Zoo Event. Ever.

Overdue update on Boo at the Zoo:

Boo at the Zoo is awesome. Hands down. Every year. No contest. It is even more awesome for me because I volunteer at the creepiest exhibit at the National Zoo: The Giant Pandas.

Kidding.

Three hundred and sixty one days out of the year, the Invertebrate Exhibit staff and volunteers try to get visitors to see past the creepiness of the animals that make up about 99% of all living species. On the three days*** that are Boo at the Zoo, however, we use the “Eeeeewwww” factor for all it’s worth. The Invert House is perfect for Halloween – it’s basically an add-on to the basement of the Reptile House, the ceiling has exposed pipes and ductwork that have been painted black, the walls are dark blue, the lights are kept low, there’s the gurgling of all the water exhibits, the eerie glow from the tanks, and the animals on exhibit include roaches, scorpions, ants and of course, spiders. We really wouldn’t even have to decorate, but we do anyway.

This year my favorite Boo at the Zooer was Little Frog Guy on Speed. He was about 3 years old, in a full-body frog costume and bounding from tank to tank. “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Look! Look! Look at the lobster! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Look at the starfish! Look! Look! See? See? It’s a starfish! Ooh! Mommy! Daddy! It’s a octopus! Look! Here it is! Here! Over here!” Absolutely precious and not annoying in the least. The look on the hyper amphibian's little face would be best described as: I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED BECAUSE I AM AT THE ZOO AND IT’S HALLOWEEN AND I AM DRESSED LIKE AN ANIMAL AND I’VE GOT LOTS OF COOL STUFF IN MY BAG. At that moment, life could not have been any better for Little Frog Guy on Speed. I’m jealous.

The rest of the zoo is great, too. But we all know I'm a little bit biased. The event sold out again this year, which is fantastic. 5,000 tickets per night x 3 nights = 15,000 happy Halloweeners and a lot of money for the zoo.

So this coming weekend is actual Halloween weekend. Potluck at work tomorrow. I'll be there as a Secret Service Agent with cardboard John Kerry in tow. That'll be fun on the Metro. Saturday is "decorate our yard for Halloween" day. Saturday night is "Go to a kickass Halloween party if we're not too pooped" night. Sunday is "unpack some of the house because we haven't been productive since the housewarming party" day. And Sunday night is "Invert Girl will sit eagerly by the front door and hope that at least a handful of trick-or-treaters will show up" night.

***At this point, some of you might be thinking Invert Girl can’t do math. 361 regular zoo days plus 3 Boo at the Zoo days equals 364 days of the year. Where did the 365th day go? The answer: Christmas. The zoo is closed one day out of the entire year, and I didn’t count that day in my total. I did not take Leap Year into consideration because that math would make my brain hurt. Also, Leap Year is not a paid holiday and therefore, I do not have to care about it if I don’t want to.

*Light Bulb* I Think I'm Allergic To Coffee

I've been having outbreaks of hives for the past couple of weeks. I decided last night after dinner that I wasn't going to eat anything else for about 24 hours to see if that helped. Really 12 hours should be enough time, but these little bastards are driving me crazy. So during lunchtime today, while I'm not eating, I start Google searching for causes of hives. I found a site that stated that you shouldn't drink alcohol or caffeine while you're trying to get rid of hives. Alcohol and caffeine can aggravate them. And then it dawns on me - I started drinking coffee almost on a daily basis about two weeks ago, when the weather started to get cold. The hives also started about two weeks ago. Hmmmmm.....

After doing a Google search specifically for coffee allergies, I believe I have found the culprit of my annoyingly itchy invaders. A couple of people even had the same kinds of bumps in the same places on their body as I do. I'm swearing off coffee for the next couple of weeks to see if that helps. I'm now going downstairs to get something coffee-free for my grumbling stomach. If it's not the coffee well, I figure I'll consume enough alcohol at our housewarming tomorrow to sterilize my system of any offending agents.

"A Nationwide Tune-Up -- Every Four Years"

Commuting to work on this cold, drizzly, dreary morning, we saw a beautiful site: on an overpass was a huge Kerry/Edwards sign and on either side of it were four bundled up people jumping up and down and waving smaller signs. The Boss honked and I waved. A huge thank you to those folks who made our morning.

We're going to see Wanda Sykes at the Lisner Auditorium next Friday! Our seats are 2nd row, center. Fan-tastic. I'm stoked. She has a new book out called "Yeah, I Said It." There's a fairly large excerpt online, and this part struck me as appropriate for today:

See, to me, America is like my car. I love my car. And my car is supposed to take me wherever I want to go as long as I keep the "governing" fluids changed and get regular tune-ups. That's what elections are: a nationwide tune-up -- every four years. So that makes the president sort of like...our mechanic. And all we want from him is to just keep our shit running good. That's all. If he can do that without costing me an arm and a leg, cool. But, what if my mechanic was not only incompetent, but constantly lied about what's wrong with my car. A real-live Mr. Badwrench. Actually, more like a Mr. Fucked-up Wrench. Never fixed the car, just kept washing it. That's all, just washing it over and over and over again. My car's falling apart, but "it looks clean." Wouldn't I get a new mechanic? Or at least give another mechanic a shot? Wouldn't I report him to wherever bad mechanics get reported? Damn right. Look, in November, since we can't just up and buy a new car, can we at least get someone to get this bitch up and running?

Cardboard Is Ever So Lovely

I'm going to institute a rule for our housewarming party: If you want to drink our booze, you have to unpack 2 boxes of our stuff and put it away. (Don't panic. I'm just kidding. Actually, I'm not just kidding, but I'll be tipsy by the time people start showing up and will be in no condition to actually enforce the rule.)

I broke out in hives Tuesday night. Joy. The first and only other time this happened to me was about two and a half years ago. I still haven't figured out what causes the little bastards, but they make me crazy. Thankfully, the Tuesday night hives were not nearly as bad as the first time, but still bad enough to keep me up all night scratching and applying Benadryl. I got absolutely no sleep and was still itchy and sore yesterday morning, so I stayed home from work. I managed to do three loads of much needed laundry, unpack some kitchen boxes and carry shoe shelves upstairs. Made me feel better that the day wasn't a total waste. The Dog was very helpful in supervising my endeavors. She was also able to thoroughly explore the basement while I was laundering, which made her infinitely happy. As an added bonus, I found her platypus toy in the laundry basket. The scene that followed was worthy of a of a made-for-TV movie:

The Reunion of The Dog and a Plush, Venomous, Egg-Laying Mammal

Scene I

Me: Hey monkey-butt, look what I found! (holds up platypus toy)
The Dog: (pokes head around corner) Huh?
Me: Here's your platypus.
The Dog: (trots up to Me and grabs the toy) Platypus, it's so good to see you! Oh how I've missed you! I'm sorry we were apart for so long. Now we can run and play together, and I can try to make you squeak even though your squeaker doesn't work anymore.
Platypus: squshhhh squshhhh
The Dog: (joyfully bounds off to show Platypus the wonders of the basement)

End

From The Shallow End Of The Gene Pool

Spotted this on a message board today, posted by a 27 year old woman from Canada:

Wanna here something bad. [Subject of Post]

I have been spoiled.

The battery in my remote for the car died and I have no clue how to unlock my car or get in the to trunk.

Yes I know there is a whole to stick the key and I know where it is but I do not know what direction to turn the key to unlock it so I have to go both ways to get it to work..

And no I was unable to locate the key hole for the trunk so I just popped it from inside.

Is that Natural Selection over there in the unemployment line? So sad. He used to do such good work.

You Must Chill

Well Mr. Bush certainly got fired up. Was he talking to the American public or a football team? Maybe instead of picturing everyone in their underwear, he pictures the Rangers.

Hey Senator Kerry, don't forget to pick up those names you dropped.

They both faired about the same on factcheck.org.

Sadly, factcheck.com no longer redirects you to GeorgeSoros.com.

BUSH: That answer almost made me want to scowl.
*crickets chirping* Dude...that joke BOMBED HARDCORE!

And I know the forum for this debate was more relaxed than the first, but it still weirds me out that our President said "Need some wood?".

I miss Howard Dean.

That Time I Wished I Was Deaf

I journeyed downstairs to get coffee (Mmmmmm.......coffee) this morning. As I was waiting for the elevator to go back up, a woman on her cell phone walked into the lobby. We both got on the elevator and her conversation turned to "watermelon dust." She proceeded to tell her cell phone friend how great it is, that she hadn't used it before and was skeptical, but it's a great product, works really well, surprised by the results, blah blah blah. During the conversation I'm thinking she's talking about some kind of miraculous garden pesticide until she says, "Yeah, I always feel obligated to buy something at those kinds of parties, but everything's always so expensive. The watermelon stuff was a good buy, though. We love it!" Suddenly, my brain impulses managed to clear the synaptic gap and I realized SHE'S TALKING ABOUT A SEXUAL ENHANCEMENT PRODUCT.

Eewww, lady. Eewww.

For The Boss

Happy Birthday!!!

Best. Mistake. Ever.

Dick Cheney: They know that if you go, for example, to factcheck.com, an independent Web site sponsored by the University of Pennsylvania, you can get the specific details with respect to Halliburton.

Actually, Mr. Vice President, that's factcheck.ORG. Going to factcheck.COM redirects you to a web site titled "Why We Must Not Re-Elect President Bush." Classic.

The Boss wondered if John Edwards was creating building plans during the debate instead of just taking notes. His writing may have qualified as a cardio-workout. I'm sure SNL will have a field day with that. Their version of the first Presidential debate was quite good.

I'm glad this was the only VP debate. Any more would've been pointless. I don't think either candidate did enormously better than the other. They're both intelligent. They both know and use the facts to their advantage. They debated well. Now the Smart VP can go back in the vault and the Dumb Guy can continue to represent the Republicans. I'm fine with that. I still don't entirely know what to think about Edwards, but I know enough that I don't hate him, and right now that's good enough for my vote.

Oh, and would it have killed anyone to briefly mention the environment??? C'mon guys. I'm not looking for a bunch of tree-hugging-hippie-crap. I'm not even asking to have a bone thrown at me. Just maybe a Scooby Snack. Even half a Scooby Snack would do. Seriously. We live in it. Let's at least mention it.

Awwwww.....How Romantic

(aka - The Post That Further Affirms Our Stereotypical Lesbian Relationship)

I got The Boss a Shop Vac for her birthday. Excitement ensued. Seriously. This awesome piece of equipment enabled us to turn the nasty garage at our new place into "The Boss's Magical Garage of Happiness." Not only does it suck up anything and everything in it's path, but it also comes with a hand-held portable vac AND a detachable blower with a 265 mph blowing capacity. 265 mph people! That's like, twice the speed of NASCAR. Essentially, we were able to pressure wash our garage with air. Fan-tastic.

We spent most of the weekend at the new place trying to get it ready to move into (cleaning, measuring, trying to figure out which switches control which lights and outlets).

We're really excited about:
- having a lot more room for all of our crap
- a garage that the new truck will actually fit into
- a yard for The Dog
- a yard for us
- a sun porch for The Bird
- 2 fireplaces
- a bathroom on the main floor
- not living on top of our neighbors

We're not so excited about:
- packing and unpacking all of our crap
- the possibility that there's still a water leak in the basement
- one of the upstairs toilets doesn't work properly
- cleaning the utility room in the basement (scary!)
- the World's Smallest Deck

Best. Line. Ever.

Bush: Well, actually, he forgot Poland.
Well, actually, I cried from laughing so hard. And speaking of hard...

Use of the words "hard" and "hardest":
Kerry: zero
Bush: 23 times
Thesaurus much?
And the majority of those uses were in reference to his job. Are we supposed to feel sorry for him? Oh no, your job is so hard. You're doing the best you can but it's hard being the President. No shit. You get no sympathy from me.

Bush: You know, it‘s hard work to try to love her as best as I can, knowing full well that the decision I made caused her loved one to be in harm‘s way.
What does that even mean? I'm assuming that came out wrong, but I can't begin to figure out where he was trying to go with that.

Use of Kerry's wrong war/wrong time/wrong place phrase:
Kerry: zero
Bush: seven
Thank you, President Bush, for reinforcing Senator Kerry's message. Repetition is key.

Lehrer: New question, two minutes, Senator Kerry.
“Colossal misjudgments.” What colossal misjudgments, in your opinion, has President Bush made in these areas?
Kerry: Well, where do you want me to begin?
After a half second of "Did he really just say that!?!?" hysterical laughter kicked in. Lurch made a funny.

Kerry won it fair and square. Was there really any doubt? The real question is, did Bush lose any ground? Someone stated in the newspaper yesterday that all Bush really needed to do was not accidentally set the podium on fire, and he'd come out okay. Sadly, I think that's a pretty accurate statement.

Vote for Kerry, dammit!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Please Direct Your Attention to the Sidebar

Warning: overly enthusiastic self-promotion ahead.

I am becoming an HTML Master! Victory is mine! The possibilities are endless! (Read: I have successfully added a tiny new section to my sidebar with links to pages "worth checking out.")

Seriously though, I'm really proud of myself. Yes, I realize this makes me a dork. I don't care. I did it all by myself, dammit.

Purge Purge Purge. Everything Must Go.

We have a whole lotta stuff. Spent most of the weekend packing and managed to get the majority of the upstairs done. Boxes are everywhere. We have the materials to build the world's most kick-ass clubhouse. We also have enough books to start our own library. Getting rid of books just seems sacrilegious, so we keep them, even though we won't read most of them again. Overall, the sorting and packing is going well. There's quite a large donate pile and we unearthed some cool stuff:

- teeny tiny deck of cards (1" x .75")
- Elvis 5K Run sign
- picture of Dad in his red, white and blue checkered pants
- bug stickers
- National Geographic topo maps for the computer/GPS handheld
- money
- Senior Wills from high school
- a pen that's shaped like the bones of a finger

This weekend we were also graced by the presence of the World's Coolest Greyhound. She and the World's Best Dog (i.e. - our dog) supervised the packing between fun romps at the P-A-R-K. (Pictures to be added later.)

This coming weekend, we will boldly tackle the downstairs, which thankfully, will be much easier than the upstairs. (The garage is a whole other story that I can't bear to think about right now.)

We pick up the keys for the new place TOMORROW!

Oh Noooooooooooooooo

It just dawned on me that I missed the season premiere of CSI last night. I am traumatized. I may shed a tear. (Not really, but I feel like being dramatic. I'm crying on the inside, though.) So now I will patiently await the synopsis from Television Without Pity and hope to catch a rerun.

Roomie from Florida and her husband were in town this week and stayed at our place last night. Went to dinner, drove by the house that will be ours in less than a week, and then sat around talking and drinking PBR. (And not the yuppie PBR in a bottle that people are drinking in DC bars just because it's trendy now. We buy it in cans, baby! And.....we drank it way before the recent trend. So there. Pffftttthhhhtt.) Anyhoo, it was nice to hang out with them and we wish the visit could've been longer.

In one week, we will be getting the keys to our new place. Kick ass! I'm so excited I might pee a little. We're gonna have to bust our asses though 'cause the housewarming party is set for October 23rd. Yeah we're insane, but we want to have the big blow out before the weather gets too cold and before people start getting sucked full-force into the frenzy of the holidays.

Spell check does not have any suggestions for "Pffftttthhhhtt."

You Know You Are A Zookeeper When You Get Really Excited About Good, Solid Poo

Sometimes I really miss zookeeping. Especially on days like today when the weather is perfect. Very rarely do I ever think, “Man, I’m glad I’m not a zookeeper anymore.” I can probably count on one hand the number times I’ve thought that in the past three years.

There are a lot of things I miss:
being outside
galapagos tortoises with banana all over their faces
watching baby animals grow up
building exhibits
practical jokes and water fights
assisting with vet procedures
hose tug-of-war with a bear
making enrichment items
totally gross lunch time conversations
being followed around by an emu

Of course, there are also things I don't miss:
primate diarrhea
being wet when it’s freezing outside
frozen rats, chicks, raptor loaf and other assorted carnivore diet items
various job related injuries
(But the perks of zookeeping more than make up for the not-so-great parts.)

This isn't to say that I don't enjoy the work I do now. I like most of my current job duties. I'm also learning an insane amount of information that will benefit me in any future zoo job. But in the end, a bad day at the zoo is still better than a good day at the office.

TV Worth Watching

CMT has premiered a new reality series called “Barely Famous” that features The Warren Brothers. Hysterical.

I watched the episode where they go to Las Vegas for the Academy of Country Music Awards show, for which they have been nominated for vocal duo of the year. (They lose to Brooks & Dunn of course, because everyone loses to Brooks & Dunn.) The brothers' bass player/tour manager is talking to them and says something to the effect of "You know the awards they give out that never make it to the air? You guys could win one of those. Like Best Song in a Foreign Documentary." The show is worth watching for the one-liners alone.

Adventures in Public Transit

I'm on the train on my way home from work. The guy in front of me is talking on his cell phone. I see this as a good thing. The more people there are on cell phones, the less people there are with the potential to talk to me. There's always someone on a cell phone. They're almost as plentiful as white box trucks. I don't really care about people talking on cell phones when they're going about it in a normal fashion. It's really no different than if they were talking to someone sitting near them. What I can't stand are the "turbo executives" who are totally out of control.

Anyhoo...the guy finishes his normally fashioned conversation and then turns around and says, "Hey, I'm sorry for talking in your ear." I was stunned at first. A considerate person? On the train? During post-work rush hour? Wha??? Had I fallen asleep and drifted into a dream where commuters actually ponder the effects of their actions? I quickly recovered from the shock and managed to get out a "Oh, no problem. Thanks, though" and a smile (secretly hoping the jackass majority won't pull him over to the dark side).

It's a Miracle

My cell phone healed itself. Really. It was broken. Now it is working perfectly. On it's own. I don't know whether to be amazed, bewildered or creeped out. I dropped the phone about three weeks ago in the parking lot. I drop things frequently. I'm used to it. It's what I do. After the most recent fall, the phone stopped working properly. I'd have to push the power button several times to get it to turn on and off, or I'd have to flip the phone open and closed repeatedly. It would tun itself off randomly. And then a couple of days after the drop, everytime I turned it on, it would vibrate until I took the battery out. Sometimes the screen would light up, sometimes not. Sometimes the menu would work, sometimes not. Sometimes the person on the other line could her me, sometimes not. You get the picture. The phone was about twelve different kinds of jacked-up. Then suddenly last week, it started working flawlessly and I haven't had a problem with it since. *knock on wood*

Have you ever seen that episode of one of the Star Treks, where they have the little robotic thingies that learn how to repair themselves and then proceed to take over the ship? My cell phone is their spawn.

P.S. - If anyone knows the name of that episode and which series it came from, please let me know. I still haven't found it online.

The Good, The Bad and What We've Learned (Labor Day Weekend)

The Good
- We were not at work.
- Hanging out with cool folks.
- The Boss got to break in her new truck.
- I encountered a lot of wildlife.
- The Dog got to play in the river.
- 4-wheeling.
- Drinking under the stars.
- Fresh tomatoes from the garden.

The Bad
- Holiday traffic.
- Fireworks that terrified The Dog.
- Hyper, screaming children at 8:00 am.
- Coming close to rolling my ATV (and nearly peeing myself).
- Fog.
- Grandma broke her wrist.
- A garage full of wet, dirty gear.

What We've Learned
- A Jeep Wrangler cannot effectively tow heavy loads up mountain roads.
- Grandma is not allowed to walk The Dog anymore.
- 3 flasks of Jack Daniels is enough for a 3 day weekend.
- Winchester, VA is a scary place to be lost in.
- When someone is lighting a camping lantern, encourage him to be several feet away from everything.
- Do not trust The Boss’s uncle when he says a certain ATV trail is “no big deal.”
- The IGA does not sell beer before 1:00 pm on Sundays.

The Quote of the Trip goes to The Boss’s 10 year-old cousin. The Boss and I had just gotten back to the campsite:

The Boss: Hey, we saw a snake while we were down by the river.
Someone: What kind?
Me: I think it was a corn snake.
Everyone: puzzled looks
Me: They’re also called red rat snakes.
Everyone: more puzzled looks
The Cousin: Well.....we can’t all work at the zoo like you.

Priceless.

In Yo' Free Time

RateMyTeachers.com is worth checking out. I'm in tears (laughing, not crying) over some of the comments people have made about teachers at my old high school.

-He's a pretty cool guy...but Henry Ford IS NOT EVIL!!

-He is VERY LOUD and will definately wake you up first thing in the morning!

-She made me suffer for the first two weeks, and after that, she was enlightening, engaging, and absolutely timeless.

-I've never understood the policies of a dictatorship until [our Principal] came into office.

-lacks an effective approach to teaching and demonstrates illogical and utterly capricious behavior from day to day.

-i think he is just too smart to be a teacher...he needs to go be a doctor or a microbiologist or something

-a dog could pass her class.

-She is so mean and attacks anyone who is dating.

-ew! mean lady! bad teacher! ew

-His mind is certainly one of a lofty caliber in both a realm of technology and a realm of teaching.
-Great teacher and a legendary party animal. Just don't f-around in his class.

You Might Be a Redneck

If you use a hill in your apartment complex to load your 4-wheeler into the back of your pickup truck, you might be a redneck. (Oh yeah, our neighbors love us.)

We actually have a ramp, however, we can't use it because it's about 250 miles away. We let someone borrow it, thinking that we could get both of our 4-wheelers on our trailer. We thought wrong. (The older ATV is named Ozzy. We have yet to name the new one.) Technically, we probably could get both ATV's on the trailer, but trying it would most likely result in a trip to the emergency room and a submission to America's Funniest Videos.

We went with Redneck Plan B. (Which, as it turns out, also could've resulted in a hospital trip.)


© Screaming Pea Productions

The tailgate didn’t quite meet the ground, but we had a couple of boards that we’d used in December to unload the ATV off a trailer. So we backed the truck up, drove the 4-wheeler up the hill, lined up the boards with the tires and The Boss proceeded to slowly drive it up into the truck bed. She got almost completely in the truck when one of the boards said “Nope, that’s it. I’m done,” and snapped in half under the weight of the back, right wheel. Joy. Fortunately the other board was a trooper and stayed intact. The Boss and I both let out expletives as she stood up to reposition and I grabbed the back of the ATV so the falling tire could catch on the tailgate. We managed to get it the rest of the way in without further problems. Next time we’re going to forgo the ramps altogether and just build up speed and launch the 4-wheeler into the back of the truck – Dukes of Hazzard style. (Not really, but I can dream, can't I?)



© Screaming Pea Productions

Oh The Places You'll Go

I can't believe I forgot to write about the KICKASS little joint we found on Friday night. We took some friends out to look at the house we're moving into in October. (We signed the lease last week and we're just freaking giddy about it.) On the way back we kept an eye out for somewhere to eat as it was 8:30 and we were starving. We spotted a little place on the left with a shabby wooden sign and some string lights and decided it was definitely worth checking out. After several U-turns, we finally made it to the parking lot. The Boss (aka - my other half) was excited because there were motorcycles parked out front. I was wondering if they'd have anything I could eat, but then decided I didn't care. My motto: If the only thing meat-free on the menu is the booze, fine with me. :-)

The Sunset Grille rocks. As soon as we sat down, The Boss and I looked at each other with the "we're sooooo going to become regulars" expression. It's comforting when she and I think alike. The food was good. They had stuff I could eat, though I still managed to throw back a few beers. Totally laid back atmosphere. Our bartender, Winnie, took great care of us. We stayed and listened to a few songs by The Lost Highway Band (who's web site is currently not loading so here's their profile at their production company's site). It reminded me a lot of Georgia. *sigh*

Tonight we will be delving into our redneckedness. Details will be posted tomorrow. I don't want to completely ruin the surprise, but our adventures will involve a 4-wheeler and a brand spankin' new F-150.

Adventures in Public Transit

95% of the time when I'm on the train, I'm wearing headphones and sunglasses. If the batteries go dead, I still wear the headphones. If it's dark outside, I still wear the sunglasses. Why? Because it guarantees that no one will talk to or bother me. It's not that I'm anti-social, but while traveling back and forth to work, I just don't want to interact with stupid and/or crazy people, which is usually who I'm surrounded by. Many of those that I've deemed "stupid people" are probably perfectly okay in real life, but there's something about public transit that snaps them into another dimension. Their ability to see and read a 10 foot long, brightly lit sign is lost. Men and women in business suits push elderly men and women out of the way to board a train. Parents wedge their strollered children inbetween closing doors because cutting their commute by 5 minutes is well worth their first-born. Riders assume that floor = trash can. Very few understand the concept of "walk to the left, stand to the right." The list goes on, and you should fully expect that I will piss and moan about this in future posts.

And then there are the crazy folks. I'm not a certified psychologist. I have fairly limited psychological knowledge, however, sometimes you just know when someone isn't playing with a full deck. But if given the choice between crazy or the morons in paragraph one, I'll take crazy. Gimme a whole train full of 'em. At least that way, I won't begin and end my workday internally fuming about the jackass majority.

I'm no Frans Lanting, but...


© Screaming Pea Productions
Bumble Bees (Bombus sp.)
August 2003
Skyline Drive, Virginia

Whoo hoo! Look at all the progress I've made! *beaming*

You'd think that after spending about 6 hours trying to come up with a decent url for this site, I'd be eager to use this thing. I've made a semi-solemn vow that I will actually use this blog on a regular basis, if for no other reason than I don't want to be one of those losers who's taking up a good url, yet hasn't posted anything in the last 2 years.

And So It Begins...

Today I decided to start my very own blog.