Wednesday, November 23, 2005

I'll Be Thankful If It Doesn't Stick

Remember when snow was nothing but fun? And now it's just "Oh crap when the hell did it starting snowing. I still have to go to the store to get potatoes for the potluck. Does the car have gas? The power will probably go out tonight. Where are my YakTrax? Dammit it's cold. Grumble grumble grumble...snow."

But I'm not so much of a scrooge that I didn't take The Dog O-U-T to play F-R-I-S-B-E-E in the first snow of the year. She just looks so damn cute with the icy stalactites hanging from her belly hair and the snotsicles coming out of her nose.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

I Am Weak

Today I fell victim to the cuteness. How much cuteness, you ask? This much...

Yes, that is the National Zoo's baby panda and yes, I went to the zoo this morning specifically to see him. (I know at least one of my readers is gagging right now.) To counter balance today's shameful adoration of the little charismatic megavertebrate, I trekked over to the small mammal house to pay special attention to the naked mole rats.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Boo! And Also Boo!

Is it a hurricane? Is it an alien? Is it a plant? Is it a Christmas tree?'s a jellyfish!

This is my second favorite Halloween costume. (The first favorite being when I was 4 years old and dressed up like Donna Fargo. I loved her. I think I wanted to be her. I was an odd little child.)

The third night of Boo At The Zoo was yesterday. Thousands of happy halloweeny people running around a zoo with a spooky makeover, getting treats, and having fun with animals? Sign me up! This is the stuff I live for. The most exciting part was when a little girl ran up to the Invert Exhibit entrance and screamed "Yay! You're a jellyfish!" And I looked at her and screamed, "Yay! You're a jellyfish, too!" We compared costumes and decided we were definitely the two coolest people there.

The Dog didn't have a costume this year. We still have the e-collar from when she had surgery and contemplated putting that on her so she could be Direct TV. But every time we discussed it, she gave us THE LOOK. She didn't, however, get out of Halloween fun completely...

Friday, October 07, 2005

Two Drink Minimum. But We Should Maybe Think About Instituting A Maximum.

I was recently reminded of this and thought I should share.
About a year ago, The Boss and I had former coworker of hers and his girlfriend over to grill out for dinner. We all became inebriated early in the evening, and while the coworker sobered up later for the drive home, his girlfriend stayed quite intoxicated. The next day, he called to thank The Boss for the fun evening and part of their conversation went like this:

The Boss: So we'll have to have you guys over for karaoke more often.
Guy: Next time I might even keep most of my clothes on. I think I embarassed [girlfriend].
The Boss: Well, she was pretty drunk when you two left.
Guy: Yeah. When we got home I had to put her in bed. She couldn't even take off her shoes, so I had to help her.

As The Boss was relaying this to me, I blurted out, "But she was wearing FLIP FLOPS!"

You have to be a special kind of drunk to not be able to take off your flip flops.

Monday, October 03, 2005

How To Make Me Very Happy

Come back from your business trip with a 6 month supply of Cheerwine.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Helping The Animals

ASPCA Hurricane Relief - Donate online, sign up to volunteer your time or foster animals

Audubon Relief Effort - Lincoln Park Zoo is heading the fundraising effort for the Audubon Zoo, Audubon Aquarium and the Audubon Center for the Research of Endangered Species. The aquarium lost the majority of its animal collection, which is especially heartbreaking.

Be sure to check with your local animal shelters and animal rescue leagues. Many of them are sending staff members to help with animal rescue efforts in the affected areas. They need monetary donations, supplies and people to foster animals.

For the DC locals:

Phoenix Landing is collecting supplies to care for pet birds affected by the hurricane. Contact Charlotte for further information and dropoff location.

Washington Humane Society's top officer is currently in New Orleans and the Society is housing animals at their DC shelters.

Washington Animal Rescue League sent a team of vets and volunteers to areas affected by the hurricane and will also be housing animals here in DC.

The whole situation is sad. Horribly, horribly, horribly sad. And that's really all I can say about it without tearing up to the point that I can't see the screen well enough to type.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

To Pee Or Not To Pee

Labor Day Camping Weekend was a weekend of important decisions, and I quote:
Regular or high octane?
Should I get onion rings or pizza?
Bud or Bud Light?

I'm not sure if I should shower or puke.
Should I pee in the woods or hike to the porta-potty?
I don't know whether to shit or go to sleep.

Colloquialism of the Trip: Well you don't have a hair on your ass if you let her take the 4-wheeler.

Thing That Rocked
No rain. Not one single drop.

Thing That Sucked
The construction of the new county road that runs through the family farm.

Thing We Were All Thankful For
The porta-potty that was there for the DOT workers.

Thing The Boss And I Got The Most Shit About
Our brand spankin' new 16' x 10' tent that has a sleeping room, a screen room, and a full rain-fly complete with two skylight panels. Oh yes...skylights.

Thing That Brought Us A Little Closer To Nature
The Jolly Rancher that fell out of The Boss' sister's pocket four months ago on our last camping trip, which invited a colony of ants to set up shop in one side of her dad's camper. It was like something out of a horror movie. Even Invert Girl was creeped out.

Thing That Horrified The Boss The Most
The substances being emitted from her 3 week old cousin.

Thing That Horrified Me The Most
Driving Hank for the first time with a very large trailer in tow.

Thing I Most Wish I Had A Picture Of
Me sitting on my 4-wheeler in mud/water up to my knees, being pulled out by another 4-wheeler with a winch.

Thing I Am Thankful I Do Not Have A Picture Of
Me drunk off my ass at the Italian Heritage Festival.

Thing That Made The Boss Most Happy
Making it through the aforementioned mud/water without the help of a winch.

Things That The Boss Bought Me That Are Awesome
Comfy, warm winter vest.
Camo West VA trucker hat.
Shirt with a picture of an armadillo that reads "Get Stuffed Taxidermy and Donuts."

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Thursday, August 04, 2005

She's Having A Baby!

"Little Cari from across the street" is having a baby!

Right now. (Okay technically she'll be induced in 7 minutes.)

Cari is the first person in our neighborhood that we met when my family moved to Georgia. She was 4 years old, lived in the house directly across the street, and the day we moved in, I think we'd barely been there an hour and she came bipping up to our garage holding her gloworm and her "nite nite" and introduced herself.

My Favorite. Cari Story. Ever.
I was with Cari the first time she got pulled over by a cop. We learned that when you get pulled over for speeding in your dad's pickup, and the cop asks you for your insurance and registration, and the passenger (me) opens the glove box to get them, and BULLETS FALL OUT, and both the driver and passenger realize that where there are bullets there is probably a gun, and then both the driver and passenger have a small's okay because the cop doesn't care. Also, no ticket for the speeding.

Congratulations to the happy little family!

I still can't believe she's having a baby.

Update: Inducing of labor was delayed until the morning of the 5th. Baby Cooter (that's what The Boss and I have decided to call him) was born August 5th at 7:47pm. He was 8 pounds, 19 inches.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Georgia On My Mind...And In The Backseat...And Also The Trunk

Tomorrow, after nearly three weeks in the great state of Georgia, The Bird and I and lots of my stuff that has been in my parents' attic will be trekking back home in a Ford Taurus (or similar). I hope it all fits. Being able to see out the windows is overrated anyway, right?
Lots to write about and tons of pictures to post, however, the prehistoric internet connection here is too slow to upload anything, and I opted for spending more time with people than the computer. But I keep scribbling notes on random scraps of paper so I don't forget the good stuff.

The only person who will be happy to see me go:

Affectionately referred to as The Favorite Daughter, this little clown has been stalking me since I arrived. Sometimes she likes me, sometimes she don't. This visit - she don't. Next visit - she might like me. She's a bird. It's what they do.

© Screaming Pea Productions

Saturday, July 16, 2005

I'll Take "Places You'd Never Guess I Would Be" For $800

Harry Potter Midnight Magic Party at the Fayetteville Barnes and Noble.

Some of you might have to re-read the previous sentence again. I know I did.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

I went potty all by myself this past weekend (which isn't necessarily all that different from any other weekend, or weekday for that matter) however this past weekend I had the added bonus of being congratulated for it. Spent the weekend with a childhood friend and her 3 year old and 18 month old, and at their house going potty is a BIG DEAL. Being in GA for three weeks gave me a chance to spend quality time with people who I usually see for only a half day at best. A weekend of cartoon shaped cereal, animated movies, bedtime stories, smooching little kid cheeks, and "Yay! You went potty!" was exactly what I needed. The 18 month old wasn't very talkative, but she loves me and that's all that really matters. She can talk, she just doesn't. But you can tell the wheels in her head are going 90 mph most of the time. When she does start making complete sentences, they will have something to do with quantum physics.
I can always count on the 3 year old for funny little conversations...

L: I can be an animal.
Me: You can? What animal are you?
L: I don't know.
Me: You're a monkey.
L: No I'm not.
Me: Okay then, what are you?
L: I'm a lion *raaawwrrrr*
Me: That's a good lion sound. Where do lions live?
L: Outside.
Me: Yes they do. Am I an animal?
L: Yes.
Me: What animal am I?
L: You're a monkey.
Me: Okay, I can be a monkey. But do lions eat monkeys?
L: No. They eat rocks.
Me: Lions eat rocks?
L: Yes.
Me: Okay. I did not know that. Do monkeys eat rocks, too?
L: No. You eat poop. *cackle*
Me: No...I think I will eat you.
*lots of screaming and laughing*

Perfect Timing

I went with Dad today to one of his many medical appointments. About halfway there I decided this would be a good time to tell him I got fired for two reasons: 1) It's a short ride, so a three hour lecture was out of the question and 2) He's usually a little loopy after he sees the pain specialist and I figured if the news made him mad he wouldn't care by the time he left the office.

Me: So I got fired.
Dad: You what?
Me: I got fired.
Dad: How did that happen?
(Insert discussion of standard questions and answers that go along with my firing.)

We arrive at the doctor's office. Dad fills out forms. We continue the discussion. He's not mad. And then at the end of the conversation he says what I have determined to be the best statement made during a discussion related to my firing: "Well, a few guys I worked with got fired for making guns on their lunch breaks with company machinery."

The kicker? Those guys got their jobs back.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Happy Blow Some Stuff Up Day

Spent most of the day hanging out at my sister's house. Mom called me around 9:30pm to let me know that the neighbor kid* and his buddies were "setting off a lot of fireworks and apparently a couple of them just left to go get Drano and some eggs**. His mom will be confiscating the Drano once it arrives, but be careful when you come home as fireworks and other projectiles may be headed toward you."
My mommy's always looking out for me.

*I call him a kid, however, he's 18 years old and recently graduated high school. I'm allowed to call him a kid because I babysat him from the time he was 9 months old until he didn't need a babysitter anymore.

**The Drano and eggs were not going to be used together. Apparently if you put liquid Drano in a container and some aluminum foil, and seal it, the chemical reaction causes pressure to build up and it eventually explodes. The eggs were used separately for target practice. DO NOT try any of this at home, even though Drano, eggs, and aluminum foil are common household products.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

A Bit Overdue

West Virginia Camping Weekend went well. Two of our friends met at our house the Friday morning before Memorial Day and we loaded up the truck, trailer, and Jeep, cranked up Willie Nelson's Midnight Rider and headed for the mountains. Traffic was a little slow heading west out of DC, but thanks to the informative truckers on CB channel 19 we knew that once we passed exit 42 it would be smooth sailing. Best CB quote from the weekend? "I hope all these sons of bitches knows where they're goin'. 'Cause if they don't, they're fucked." Listening to CB chatter is generally way more entertaining than any book on tape.

Friday evening we set up camp, caught up with the few of The Boss' family members that were already there, and went on a midnight 4-wheeler ride with Uncle T. I unintentionally ate a bug.

We woke up Saturday morning to rain. It wasn't supposed to let up for a while, so we decided to head into town, shower at Uncle T.'s house, and then drive over to The Boss' hometown. As soon as we left Uncle T.'s, the sun came out. We got to Hometown in about an hour and ate at The Boss' favorite restaurant. Best. Onion rings. Ever. I was extremely happy to finally be at a dining establishment that had real sweet tea. (Note to DC restaurants: Sweet tea is not you bringing me a glass of unsweet tea and a few packets of sugar and artificial sweetener. That is simply just gross.) After lunch we swung by Grandma B's place for a visit and then to the store to get more beer and also veggies because our bodies were going into carb shock. By the time we got back to camp that evening, The Boss' dad and his kids had arrived as well as Uncle G. and his family. The rain arrived upon our return, and the four of us were blamed for it. I took no responsibility because when one is traveling in a truck with three lawyers, one does not have to.

Sunday was beautiful and rain free. After breakfast, assembly of the ATV convoy began. It was briefly interrupted by The Boss' brother catching a large rainbow trout. We all went to "ooh" and "ahh" over the fish and then Operation Trout Resuscitation began. It was just like one of those dolphin releases you see on Animal Planet except that there were no cameras, no tears, no one in a wetsuit, no PETA freaks, and no endangered animal. I have to say I was a little perplexed as to why no one was going to keep the fish and eat it. But I was glad that Mr. Trout would be able to live on and tell all of his river friends about his alien abduction.

Convoy assembly resumed and Uncle T. led us on a three hour ride complete with deer sightings, storytelling, bird watching, outdoor urination, and scenic views. He also showed us how to get to the beer joint. (You know...if you're too drunk to drive to get more beer.) The trail dumps out about 100 yards from the Riverview SomethingOrOther bar. I'm assuming this is logic that makes sense only under intoxication, because there were parts of the trail that I could barely get through sober without dumping myself down the mountain or in the river. Can't get a DUI on an ATV, however you can kill yourself a lot easier.

Sunday night turned into campfire storytime. I laughed 'til I hurt. The entertainment consisted of stories including drunken dental hygeine, shooting at things, being shot at, saluting outhouses, various animal mishaps, and someone's wife driving for 30 miles on a flat tire ("Uh...the car's making a funny noise."). I was crowned with Best Technique-S'mores Marshmallow Melting, and have been instructed to add that as a resume booster. While discussing moonshine, Uncle G. came out with the best colloquialism of the trip. "That shit is so strong it'll make you take stuff back you never stole." Yes...yes it is.

Monday was pack up and get the hell outta dodge before it rains day. Went for one last short ATV ride and took pictures down by the river. I combated car sickness by sleeping for most of the trip home. We picked up The Dog and The Bird, who had a wonderful time at our friends' house. The Dog was like, "Oh...are you back? Whatever. They love me here." And The Bird was like, "Screech! Screech! Prettybird. What? What? What?"

And then our happy but pooped family went home and ate dinner and went to bed and passed out.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Love Is...

Love is letting a certain someone out of her cage for three hours, knowing full well that there is a 100% chance that this certain someone will:
- pull half my hair out of the ponytail holder
- pull several hairs out of my head
- chew on the ponytail holder
- scream in my ear
- aggressively help me eat my lunch
- try to drink out of my glass
- try to take a bath in my glass when she's finished drinking
- attempt to dismantle everything within reach
- poop on me approximately twelve times

But she's just so darn cute...

© Screaming Pea Productions

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

I Had A "Bunny Hugger" Moment Today

But really, I don't think anyone will hold it against me given the fact that when I looked out our back door window this afternoon, I saw the CUTEST STINKING THING. EVER.

© Screaming Pea Productions

Monday, June 20, 2005

Blue Screen Of Death Victim #2,748,924,653

A couple weeks ago, our laptop hard drive crashed like a NASCAR pileup, only with a lot less fire and a lot more cursing. I have some advice for you all: BACK UP YOUR HARD DRIVE! Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 (because seriously, that 200 bucks only puts a dent in the hard drive retrieval fee). BACK THAT THANG UP NOW!

The Boss and I both did really well in not having a nervous breakdown when it happened. Thankfully most, if not all, of our files were retrievable. We had our priorities. First, our photos. Second, AOL emails. Third, tax files. Fourth, whatever is left but please make sure you try to get all the photos. I'm sure the computer guy was perplexed, "These people are paying me to recover nine billion pictures of a dog. I think they're all of the same dog."

Our photo collection is a bit biased towards one of our kids. It's not that we love The Bird less. She's just not as photogenic as The Dog. And when The Bird is out and about, I'm either occupied with preventing her from destroying windowsills, pillows and anything with buttons, or I'm playing "Catch the Poo Before It Lands on the Couch or The Boss."

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Warning For Those Who Know My Mom

Mom's reading this so please don't mention any of the times I...lied about where I was going, consumed illegal substances, used incorrect punctuation, skipped school, ran with scissors, didn't go to church, tried to sell my little sister to gypsies, spoke ill words about Randy Travis, etc.

Warning to Mom: I don't always type with the belief that Jesus is watching me.

Extreme Blog Makeover

So I finally got around to reactivating most of my posts. Some posts remain respectfully hidden. I reserve the right to delete comments if I feel it's necessary.

West Virginia Camping Weekend Review to be posted soon, complete with the newest colloquialism from The Boss' uncle!

Monday, May 09, 2005

Thank You

I really appreciate all of the comments and support. Thank you all very, very much.
I've turned off the comment function for now, until I consult with someone.
If you'd like to send me an email (anonymous or not), please feel free. I'd love to hear from you.

Friday, May 06, 2005


So I'll be taking a little break from the blog.

Sunday, May 01, 2005


New episode of Family Guy is almost here. Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!

Watch it.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

I'll Still Get Carded When I'm 40

I turned 29 on Sunday and was hit with the realization that I had exactly one year left of being "twenty-something." This didn't really bother me, until I started thinking maybe it should bother me. So now it's bothering me - mainly because in other people's lives, it has bothered them, and for those of you who know me personally, you know I value other people's opinions much more than I value my own. (The fact that I am even expressing my opinions on a public web site caused a couple of pigs to get airborne.) For the past few days I've been making myself crazy with my "I'm almost 30 and I should be concerned about this for some reason" crisis. Through the magic of the internet that Al Gore created, I started reading things that other people want to do before they're 30. It began as a way to pass the time during lunch on Monday. I thought it would be amusing and entertaining, however, skimming several lists helped the paranoia set in. People want to do a lot of stuff before they're 30 - more than I really even want to do in my lifetime. Damn overachievers. I sat down and made my own list of the major goals that are of the utmost importance to me that I want to achieve at some point in the future. I came up with four (in no particular order):

I want to go back to school.
I want to have kids.
I want to travel to other countries.
I want a job, working with animals, that I love, where I will stay and work my ass off until I get too old to work there and retire and then start volunteering there.

Of course there are many other things I would like to do, but if I never get to do those things, I'm fine with that. If I never get over being claustrophobic, I won't feel like less of a person. If I never get a web comic site up and running, I won't feel like I didn't live up to my full potential. If I never go skydiving, I won't feel like I missed out. After 29 years, I've realized I need to stop comparing me to those who are not me. There will always be people that, when compared to them, I am the equivalent of a doorstop with an IQ of 53. On the other hand, there will always be people that in comparison make me look like a well-spoken, worldly, Nobel Prize winning genius.

I want to be a good partner, daughter, granddaughter, sister, friend, co-worker, student and volunteer. I'm a good mom to our current "kids" and eventually I want the opportunity to be a good mom to human kids. I am going to take my "Shortest List of Life Goals. Ever." and do it. It might be small, but it's going to take quite a bit of effort and growing and learning on my part. And if there's free time for skydiving, phobia-conquering, web comicing and any other ings, I'll consider myself fortunate.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Adventures In Procrastination


Okay so it's not much of a refund, but at least I don't owe anything.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I Bet Press'n Seal Didn't Have This Use In Mind

I'm going to submit a testimonial to GLAD:
While we have yet to use Press'n Seal for any of the many uses suggested on your website, we have found it works wonderfully for wrapping The Dog's bandaged leg when we take her outside to pee. Thank you for helping protect our little critter from bacteria, dirt, moisture and other harmful things.

The Boss and I learned two things last weekend:
1) We have one tough little dog
2) Our next house, and subsequent houses, will not have stairs.

The Dog cut her leg on something in the backyard and had to go to the emergency vet on Saturday afternoon. She was fully prepared to keep playing fetch on her 3 uninjured legs, however the fact that she was bleeding and I could see flesh that was not supposed to be seen ended the game early. The vet determined she needed stitches, so we left her there and picked her up a few hours later. We knew she'd still be groggy from the anesthesia and were prepared for her to be pretty miserable. The tech brought her out to the waiting room, complete with a big lampshade collar. It was so hard not to laugh. The poor thing was still teetery from the anesthesia, her eyes were all bleary and there was drool everywhere, but we could tell she was happy to see us from her butt-wiggle. If there's ever a casting call for the part of "Drunk Dog" she's so getting it.
We are extremely thankful that she was back to near normal by Sunday morning. Carrying a 75 pound dog up and down stairs multiple times, especially at one in the morning, is not fun. Though, we'd do it a hundred more times if we had to. I suppose we could've made her stay either upstairs or downstairs for the entire evening and night, but The Dog gets to do whatever The Dog wants as long as it is not detrimental to her health.
She's learning to maneuver with the lampshade. It took her about a day to get used to it, and I'm so going to hell for giggling sometimes when she runs into things. The Boss and I have already thrown around ideas for Halloween costumes.
Now we're just dealing with a dog who has a severe case of cabin fever. She's been on restricted activity for 5 days now and it's making her crazy. No fetch = HYPER DOG. We have to continue to restrict her activity for the next week and a half. Wish us luck.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Best. Colloquialism. Ever.

"He couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel."
Courtesy of the Boss' uncle

Monday, March 21, 2005

Just Imagine What I'd Be Like At An Animal Shelter

The Boss and I went to the guitar store yesterday because she wanted to look at drums. Of course, we wandered the entire store. The main part of the building is mostly electric guitars and amps and then there are separate rooms for drums, keyboards and acoustic guitars. As we entered the acoustic room, I spotted a guitar hanging on one of the wood columns and immediately knew that I was not leaving the store without it.
Everyone, meet Charlotte:

© Screaming Pea Productions
She is beautiful and I love her and if you say anything bad about her I will kick your ass.
Some of you may be thinking, "I didn't know Invert Girl played guitar."
I don't.
I had a brief stint of guitar lessons in junior high. "Guitar With Coach Bowen" was one of the few mandatory elective classes that didn't suck. A couple weeks into the class, mom found a guitar at a garage sale and bought it for me. I learned a few songs, played it a bit after the class ended, and then I think something on it broke and that was the end of my guitar era.
I have now entered my second guitar era that, from this point on, will be known as the Charlozoic Period. (Why yes, I was in the science club. Why do you ask?)
I don't know that I will actually get into playing guitar again. I discovered yesterday my fingers aren't long enough to reach some of the chords. But in the meantime, Charlotte has been enduring experimentation with my camera and photo editor.

© Screaming Pea Productions

Monday, March 14, 2005

Most Disgusting. Candy. Ever.

The Cherry Mash.

Also, I don't know why they call it a candy "bar." It's more like a mound. Eew.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Just In Case There Was Any Doubt

This morning's news ran a story about terrorists hacking into US power grids and the possibility of a plan to cause a large, nationwide blackout. Essentially, the point of the story was this: A lot of power companies suck technologically. It would be very easy to hack into their systems. A 12 year old at computer summer camp could bring down a grid during a bathroom break.

Thanks for letting the terrorists know they're barking up the right tree.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005


I'll take "Words you don't want to hear during your sonogram" for $200 please, Alex.

I have learned a valuable lesson - make sure that your primary care physician and staff are competent. Because even if 95% of the time when you use them it's only for a bad cold or to get a referral to a specialist, that other 5% of the time will hit you with severe abdominal pain on a Friday morning while you're at work. From that point on, your PCP and her staff will flawlessly demonstrate that their job skills do not include attention to detail, returning messages, listening comprehension, or basic knowledge of how to correctly obtain a blood pressure reading. Then, on Monday morning after the sonogram specialist utters the word "abnormal" you will get an overwhelming sinking feeling that is greatly magnified by the realization that you cannot entrust your doctor with any sort of serious medical problem.

Fortunately, I was able to find a new PCP within walking distance from work AND someone can see me tomorrow AND my insurance company has already updated my PCP in their system AND the sonogram center will gladly fax my results to my new PCP.

Update (3/10/05): Went to the new doc. Very competant. She doesn't think it's anything too serious. Follow up appointment scheduled. I feel much better now.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

It's All About Priorities

So far, the grocery list on the fridge is as follows:

White Rum
Lemon tahini dressing

Monday, February 28, 2005

8 Inches Of Snow MY ASS

This is just pathetic.

courtesy Washington Post Snowcam
What a huge letdown when I looked out the window this morning and could still see grass.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Flapjacks For The Bird

Cooked to a nice golden brown

© Screaming Pea Productions
It's all about presentation

© Screaming Pea Productions
Another satisfied customer

© Screaming Pea Productions

Happy Retro Valentine's Day

Everybody go make your own Garbage Pail Kids card.

© Screaming Pea Productions

Friday, February 11, 2005

Warm Fuzzies

Last Saturday at the zoo was an exceptionally good day for volunteering. The weather was great, the 10 week old cheetahs made their public debut, and I don't think I encountered a single unpleasant visitor. Early in my shift, I met a boy and his friend and his friend's mom near the entrance of the Invertebrate Exhibit. They immediately took interest in our 15 pound American Lobster and we chatted about him for a bit. The mom and friend moved on to the next exhibit and the boy followed them. He looked at the huge tank of anemones, sea stars and urchins, and then looked over his shoulder to ask me a question. He was probably seven or eight years old, and was truly interested in finding out more about the animals. I love kids like that. It makes my day. The friend and mom were nice, too but not nearly as talkative and just preferred to look. Being that is was early in the day and the exhibit wasn't very busy, I continued to stop at each tank with the little guy and answer his questions and also find out what he already knew about the animals. He was glad the octopus wasn't hiding. He was giddy about the hissing cockroaches. He was way, way excited about the hermit crab. He was fascinated by the leaf cutter ants. The last exhibit in the main building is the Golden Orb Weaver Spiders. He and I began to walk towards it, however, he stopped a few feet short and looked up at me.
"There's no glass?"
"Nope" I replied.
"And the spiders are real?" He was now staring intently at the spiders.
"Yes, they're real."
And I felt a little hand reach over and latch onto mine.

I looked down, smiled at him and assured him that the spiders weren't dangerous. "They can't even see you," I told him.
"Really?" he asked.
"I promise."
And with that he walked up to the edge of the exhibit, towing me by my arm. He asked questions and we talked more about the spiders. He eventually let go of my hand and went back to being the confident kid I met back at the entrance.

The times I wished I was taking time out for myself instead of volunteering...
The times I cursed my alarm clock when I had an early shift...
The times I grumbled about the traffic...
I take it all back.

Sometimes The Free Daily Paper Is Worth Reading

In an article titled "Love Stinks" I came across this gem:

"Cheesetique...sells several washed-rind blue cheeses, some of which will merely make you cry, others of which will drop-kick you into the middle of the street and insult your mother."

I laughed so hard I cried. On the train. People stared. I didn't care. It was damn funny.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Update On Dad

Dad started raditaion yesterday. Five days a week for the next six to eight weeks. Fortunately it will be at least 3 or 4 weeks before he's supposed to feel any ill effects from it. Supposedly it's just a standard preventative measure, but two months of daily treatment sounds like a lot for something that’s not all that serious. I’d be more trusting if Dad was actually open and honest about his health issues, but he tends to keep us in the dark, which is ironic because if I hadn’t told him when I was diagnosed with melanoma and had to have surgery, he would’ve been more than upset.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

My Pants Rock!

For those of you who don't know, I'm a dork and am forever spilling things on myself (drinks, food, various household substances, various substances at the zoo, etc.). I just spilled tempura sauce on my Land's End pants and holyshititjustwipedrightoff! O-F-F. Off. No stain. Seriously. I dripped it on myself again (on purpose) just to make sure it wasn't a fluke. Not a fluke. So then I tried Cherry Coke and mashed potatoes (separately). O-F-F. Off. No stain. Seriously. Apparently Teflon is good for more than cookware.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

The Boss On IKEA

Last weekend we had to return some shelving to IKEA. As The Boss was booting up the computer to check their return policy she stated:

"It'd be kind of crazy if IKEA required a receipt. I mean, it's not like you bought the Kerflerfendorfer somewhere else."

We are IKEA junkies. Our entertainment center, bedroom furniture, kitchen cabinets and other various things around the house are from IKEA. I think Sweden claims to be a neutral country in order to cover up their great plan, which is to take over the world by selling trendy furniture that packs flat enough to fit into a Festiva. Okay, maybe not that flat, but you can secure your table to the top of your Festiva with the provided string and cardboard roof racks. We resist the urge to follow people home just to see what falls off before they get ther.

Fun IKEA link: IKEA Walkthrough v2.3.1

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Check This Shirt Out

If you're a unique t-shirt fan (or even if you're not) check out this shirt by my very talented friend, riggie (as in "Approximately riggie" in my side bar). It's an awesome design - haunting and homey all at the same time (you really can't go wrong with crop circles).

There are only 5 days left to vote (you have to register to vote, but it's free). Click here to register.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Once I Figure Out All Of My iPod's Capabilities, You'll Never See Me Again

The Boss got me an iPod for Christmas. It arrived the day before we left for Georgia. She loaded the software that evening and quickly put a hefty chunk of her MP3s on it. I now have 619 songs (aka - 1.27 days of music). That's a lotta freakin' music. And there is room for 4,381 more songs. Are you kidding me? 5,000 songs total? I don't think there are even 5,000 songs I like. I guess I'll find out.

I heart my iPod.

Warning: Updates Below May Not Be Worth Reading

So, the holiday updates are finally up. They're not really entertaining. They're more like a book report of "Invert Girl's Holiday Experience." I posted them below under January 3rd for anyone who wants to read 'em.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Honey Is Not A Spice

My wonderful girlfriend (aka The Boss) stopped by the store last night to get me things that would help me recover from the flu. On my list was honey (for tea). The Boss got home with the groceries and as we were putting them away declared, "Honey is not a spice." I kind of chuckled and she went on to explain how she looked all up and down the spice aisle, and then a couple of other aisles for honey. Finally, she had to ask one of the store clerks where it was. I then asked, "It's on the aisle with the peanut butter and jelly, right?" The Boss said, "Yep." I was then, for a brief second, horrified that I knew exactly where the honey was at the grocery store. If there's a video game for domestication, I've just reached Level 7.

Watching Buffy. For The First Time. Ever.

Episode: Superstar - Buffy tries to figure out why the town thinks a former high-school nerd is now a superhero.

Huh? Wasn't expecting that type of theme song.

Hello American Pie girl!

Who's the guy in black (Jonathan?) that's organizing the ass kicking? I thought Buffy was the head ass kicker.

I'm confused already.

Gratutious shirtless guy scene.

Oh, I get it. The guy in black is the nerd turned superhero referred to in the synopsis.

Girl with binoculars is gonna die (or at least get maimed).

Commercial break: "The Original Lens Dr. glides on smooth." I had to look up to see what they were selling.
A reality horse racing show? Isn't horse racing already real?

Back from commercial.

Girl with binoculars is getting maimed. (See, I told you.)

Okay, this Jonathan guy is everywhere and he's really getting on my nerves. So far he's been head ass kicker, author, relationship counselor, military strategist and now a lounge singer. I might have picked the wrong episode to watch.

Jonathan also plays the trumpet.

Maimed girl seeks out Mr. Trumpet for help.

Commerical break: Judging from this commerical, the plasitic surgery in Nip/Tuck, is either done with guns or is the result of there being a lot of guns. Point Pleasant has some Carrie undertones. Die Hard 2 will be on Monday at 8pm for the 9 millionth time.

Back from commercial.

The monster who attacked Maimed Girl has a Pink Floyd tattoo on its forehead.

Who is the guy who looks like he's from the Borg on Star Trek? Surely he doesn't go out in public like that.

Jonathan's fireplace is almost as tall as he is (approximately 4', 10") .

Eek! Jonathan has the triangle tattoo, too!

Oh, now homely girl is going to get maimed.

See, I told you.

Can't anyone get maimed around here without resulting in a commercial break?

Commercial break: Geico needs some new commercial ideas.
I must be 12 years old because the Cox commercials still make me chuckle. "Now Cox is fater than ever." "Cox is way faster." "Cox is fast. And fast is beautiful." I have a friend who used to work for Cox. Among the many things that Cox handed out at trade shows (pens, mousepads, mugs, magnets, etc.) they had lollipops with the company name on it. Cox suckers.

Back from commercial.

Homely girl just said something in a foreign language and sprayed monster-off from her sleeves. That's handy.

How does a slayer find the time to keep her hair so shiny and healthy?

Meeting of the minds. Blah blah blah.

Giles is a cutie.

Hmmmmm....Buffy's on to something. Alternate universe. Yadda yadda yadda.

So, Spike's a bad guy who's sometimes good? Or at least an informant?

Cave scene. Dark. Creepy music. Commercial break........NOW. (See, I told you.)

Commercial break: The Phantom of the Opera should not be made into a movie unless Michael Crawford will be playing the Phantom. I luff him. He is the one and only true Phantom and anyone else will just suck, dammit.

Back from commercial.

Hey! What happened to the maiming in the cave scene??? Less talkin', more ass whoppin'.

Okay, maiming is back. Buffy is starting to kick ass. The monster looks like a big, hairy testicle with limbs. Gross.

Buffy sufficiently kicked ass. The monster is dead and the Jonathan spell/alternate reality is over.

And now we get to the "what we've learned/after school special" portion of the show.

Gratuitous make out scene.

And we're done.

Riggie, please tell me this is one of the not-so-great episodes.

I Need To Work On My Dogspeak

The dog did not want me to play with her.
She wanted me to get out of her chair.

© Screaming Pea Productions

Warning: Work Can Be Hazardous To Your Health

Apparently my immuse system was unable to handle the shock of being back at work for two days after the holiday break. I've been at home with the flu since Wednesday. Maybe I can get a doctor's note stating that in the best interest of my health, I must stay on vacation.

The Dog is thoroughly disgusted with me. I keep getting the "You are just sitting on your ass doing nothing when you should be playing with me" look. Believe me, Dog, I'd like to be playing with you, but I'd also like to not hack up a lung. You understand, right? (The look on her face and occasional whine indicate that she does not understand.)

I'm finally feeling well enough to get on the computer, so hopefully I'll get some holiday recap blogging done.

The Nanny comes on like, 53 times during the day.

Monday, January 03, 2005

The Merry Part

It was nice to be home for over a week. No vacation is ever long enough, but this one didn't seem as rushed as years past. We drove down on the 23rd and spent that night at the Boss' mom and step-dad's house. Ususally, I only see my In-laws for a few hours when we make trips home, but this time I stayed overnight and spent most of the 24th there. We had their traditional Christmas Eve pizza dinner and exchanged gifts. It's always hard to figure out what gifts to get them. This year the theme was their Granddog and I think it was a hit. I also got to spend some time with them on Christmas Day because I accidentally left a bag of gifts for my family at their house and had to drive back up Christmas morning.

I spent part of Christmas Eve at my family's house and then trekked over to Nell's parents' house for the traditional get together. There are a bunch of us that have been friends since elementary school and we've always spent Christmas Eve at their house for at least the past ten years (maybe more?). After her parents' guests had gone, we all made like elves and put the toys together for the kids that were from Santa. Definitely a movie moment and a lot of fun.

We did family Christmas late on Christmas Day. My Sis had to work a 12 hour shift because unfortunately, criminals do not take the holidays off. (I should probably clarify the previous statement. My sister is not a criminal. She's a supervisor for 911 dispatch.) Every year my parents set a $20 limit for gifts, which I think is funny because no one ever stays within that limit. I'm really psyched about the bird feeder that Santa got me for our backyard. Even though I started my Christmas shopping really late this year, I did pretty well with the family gifts and managed to find 4 or 5 things for each of them.

I made a day trip to Athens the week after Christmas. Spent time with some friends and also visited Bear Hollow, where I was a volunteer zookeeper. Lucky for me they were having open house during the afternoons that week and the Director was there. It was great talking to him and catching up on what's been going on with them since I left. They've gotten more funding and the city is paying more attention to them. They have some new enclosures going up, work is almost completed on their new building that will house offices and kitchen and medical areas, and they're also trying to become accredited. Most of the animals that I worked with back in 1998-99 are still there, and I was so happy to see them all again. I'll post pictures once I get around to it.

The Boss and I drove back on New Year's Day. We both had to be at work on Monday and knew that if we waited and drove back on Sunday, we'd lose most of our sanity. Traffic wasn't too bad and we got home between 9 and 10pm Saturday night. Went to bed right after we unloaded our luggage and The Kids, and we all slept in until about 2pm on Sunday (Yes, even The Bird).

It Can't All Be Merry And Happy

According to a recent PSA test, Dad's cancer is back. There is a chance that the test is a false positive, and we'll find out more over the next couple of weeks after further testing is done. He had surgery November of 2003 for prostate cancer and everything indicated that the cancer was removed and gone. Apparently not. Or new cancer has popped up. For right now, I'm trying not to worry until we get the results from the follow-up tests. The doctor has already discussed radiation and chemo options with dad to some extent, so it's hard to be hopeful that the PSA test was incorrect. (Update: The second PSA test was higher. The scans and other tests didn't show that that cancer had settled anywhere, so Dad will have 8 weeks of radiation as a preventative measure. Not sure when he'll start treatment.)

Gramma is doing okay. She looked a lot better than I thought she would. She was admitted to the hospital in early December for intestinal bleeding, and after two days of tests, it was determined that the problem fixed itself. Well okay. Whatever works. Her Dr. was concerned about her blood pressure, but he knows she's not going to take any medication for it, respects her wishes and lifestyle (she's Christian Scientist), and sent her on her way home and told her to eat and drink whatever she wanted to. She's 91 years old and suffering from common ailments that just happen when your body gets that old. It's hard going home and seeing how her health has deteriorated. I get home every 4 to 6 months, so it's a lot more noticeable to me, than to my family members who see her every day. But given the fact that she's 91, I guess she's doing alright. Mom has a nurse that stays at the house while she's at work. I met her briefly for the first time last week. She's really nice and Gramma likes her. She was a full time nurse for many years, has since retired, and just does part-time work now. Mom and my Sister and I had to sit down and have a "what are our options" talk before I left. That was rough. Mom wants to keep Gramma at home as long as possible, but the time may come when that's no longer feasible. So now we have to start looking into the local "old folks homes" and find out about their facilities, waiting list, etc. I told mom it would be better to do it now and have all the information, rather than wait and have to make a hurried decision should Gramma's health take a turn for the worse. I love my Gramma more than anyone. She's lived with us since I was born and the reality that someday she's not going to be around anymore is making me a total wreck.

My Sister's marriage still isn't great. Her husband is somewhat lazy, unmotivated, irresponsible and financially stupid. People occasionally ask her when they're going to have a kid. She usually answers, "When my husband stops being one." My Sis also used to be somewhat lazy, unmotivated, irresponsible and financially stupid, but she finally grew up to be a very productive member of society. She's become an amazing person and she deserves better.

I rang in the New Year with an ear infection and the flu. For a couple of hours on New Year's Day, I thought I was going to die from nausea. I couldn't understand why I felt so horrible when I'd only had one and a half mixed drinks and one or two glasses of champagne. We had to pick up stuff at The Boss' parent's house that morning before we drove back to DC. Once we got there, they went into medical triage mode with beverages, vaporizing, menthol drops and decongestant, which helped after a while. I slept most of the 2nd, went to work feeling crappy on the 3rd and 4th, and then woke up on the 5th feeling like I'd been hit by a truck and was out of work for three days.

I will now end the "Debbie Downer" portion of the holiday update.