*Light Bulb* I Think I'm Allergic To Coffee

I've been having outbreaks of hives for the past couple of weeks. I decided last night after dinner that I wasn't going to eat anything else for about 24 hours to see if that helped. Really 12 hours should be enough time, but these little bastards are driving me crazy. So during lunchtime today, while I'm not eating, I start Google searching for causes of hives. I found a site that stated that you shouldn't drink alcohol or caffeine while you're trying to get rid of hives. Alcohol and caffeine can aggravate them. And then it dawns on me - I started drinking coffee almost on a daily basis about two weeks ago, when the weather started to get cold. The hives also started about two weeks ago. Hmmmmm.....

After doing a Google search specifically for coffee allergies, I believe I have found the culprit of my annoyingly itchy invaders. A couple of people even had the same kinds of bumps in the same places on their body as I do. I'm swearing off coffee for the next couple of weeks to see if that helps. I'm now going downstairs to get something coffee-free for my grumbling stomach. If it's not the coffee well, I figure I'll consume enough alcohol at our housewarming tomorrow to sterilize my system of any offending agents.

"A Nationwide Tune-Up -- Every Four Years"

Commuting to work on this cold, drizzly, dreary morning, we saw a beautiful site: on an overpass was a huge Kerry/Edwards sign and on either side of it were four bundled up people jumping up and down and waving smaller signs. The Boss honked and I waved. A huge thank you to those folks who made our morning.

We're going to see Wanda Sykes at the Lisner Auditorium next Friday! Our seats are 2nd row, center. Fan-tastic. I'm stoked. She has a new book out called "Yeah, I Said It." There's a fairly large excerpt online, and this part struck me as appropriate for today:

See, to me, America is like my car. I love my car. And my car is supposed to take me wherever I want to go as long as I keep the "governing" fluids changed and get regular tune-ups. That's what elections are: a nationwide tune-up -- every four years. So that makes the president sort of like...our mechanic. And all we want from him is to just keep our shit running good. That's all. If he can do that without costing me an arm and a leg, cool. But, what if my mechanic was not only incompetent, but constantly lied about what's wrong with my car. A real-live Mr. Badwrench. Actually, more like a Mr. Fucked-up Wrench. Never fixed the car, just kept washing it. That's all, just washing it over and over and over again. My car's falling apart, but "it looks clean." Wouldn't I get a new mechanic? Or at least give another mechanic a shot? Wouldn't I report him to wherever bad mechanics get reported? Damn right. Look, in November, since we can't just up and buy a new car, can we at least get someone to get this bitch up and running?

Cardboard Is Ever So Lovely

I'm going to institute a rule for our housewarming party: If you want to drink our booze, you have to unpack 2 boxes of our stuff and put it away. (Don't panic. I'm just kidding. Actually, I'm not just kidding, but I'll be tipsy by the time people start showing up and will be in no condition to actually enforce the rule.)

I broke out in hives Tuesday night. Joy. The first and only other time this happened to me was about two and a half years ago. I still haven't figured out what causes the little bastards, but they make me crazy. Thankfully, the Tuesday night hives were not nearly as bad as the first time, but still bad enough to keep me up all night scratching and applying Benadryl. I got absolutely no sleep and was still itchy and sore yesterday morning, so I stayed home from work. I managed to do three loads of much needed laundry, unpack some kitchen boxes and carry shoe shelves upstairs. Made me feel better that the day wasn't a total waste. The Dog was very helpful in supervising my endeavors. She was also able to thoroughly explore the basement while I was laundering, which made her infinitely happy. As an added bonus, I found her platypus toy in the laundry basket. The scene that followed was worthy of a of a made-for-TV movie:

The Reunion of The Dog and a Plush, Venomous, Egg-Laying Mammal

Scene I

Me: Hey monkey-butt, look what I found! (holds up platypus toy)
The Dog: (pokes head around corner) Huh?
Me: Here's your platypus.
The Dog: (trots up to Me and grabs the toy) Platypus, it's so good to see you! Oh how I've missed you! I'm sorry we were apart for so long. Now we can run and play together, and I can try to make you squeak even though your squeaker doesn't work anymore.
Platypus: squshhhh squshhhh
The Dog: (joyfully bounds off to show Platypus the wonders of the basement)

End

From The Shallow End Of The Gene Pool

Spotted this on a message board today, posted by a 27 year old woman from Canada:

Wanna here something bad. [Subject of Post]

I have been spoiled.

The battery in my remote for the car died and I have no clue how to unlock my car or get in the to trunk.

Yes I know there is a whole to stick the key and I know where it is but I do not know what direction to turn the key to unlock it so I have to go both ways to get it to work..

And no I was unable to locate the key hole for the trunk so I just popped it from inside.

Is that Natural Selection over there in the unemployment line? So sad. He used to do such good work.

You Must Chill

Well Mr. Bush certainly got fired up. Was he talking to the American public or a football team? Maybe instead of picturing everyone in their underwear, he pictures the Rangers.

Hey Senator Kerry, don't forget to pick up those names you dropped.

They both faired about the same on factcheck.org.

Sadly, factcheck.com no longer redirects you to GeorgeSoros.com.

BUSH: That answer almost made me want to scowl.
*crickets chirping* Dude...that joke BOMBED HARDCORE!

And I know the forum for this debate was more relaxed than the first, but it still weirds me out that our President said "Need some wood?".

I miss Howard Dean.

That Time I Wished I Was Deaf

I journeyed downstairs to get coffee (Mmmmmm.......coffee) this morning. As I was waiting for the elevator to go back up, a woman on her cell phone walked into the lobby. We both got on the elevator and her conversation turned to "watermelon dust." She proceeded to tell her cell phone friend how great it is, that she hadn't used it before and was skeptical, but it's a great product, works really well, surprised by the results, blah blah blah. During the conversation I'm thinking she's talking about some kind of miraculous garden pesticide until she says, "Yeah, I always feel obligated to buy something at those kinds of parties, but everything's always so expensive. The watermelon stuff was a good buy, though. We love it!" Suddenly, my brain impulses managed to clear the synaptic gap and I realized SHE'S TALKING ABOUT A SEXUAL ENHANCEMENT PRODUCT.

Eewww, lady. Eewww.

For The Boss

Happy Birthday!!!

Best. Mistake. Ever.

Dick Cheney: They know that if you go, for example, to factcheck.com, an independent Web site sponsored by the University of Pennsylvania, you can get the specific details with respect to Halliburton.

Actually, Mr. Vice President, that's factcheck.ORG. Going to factcheck.COM redirects you to a web site titled "Why We Must Not Re-Elect President Bush." Classic.

The Boss wondered if John Edwards was creating building plans during the debate instead of just taking notes. His writing may have qualified as a cardio-workout. I'm sure SNL will have a field day with that. Their version of the first Presidential debate was quite good.

I'm glad this was the only VP debate. Any more would've been pointless. I don't think either candidate did enormously better than the other. They're both intelligent. They both know and use the facts to their advantage. They debated well. Now the Smart VP can go back in the vault and the Dumb Guy can continue to represent the Republicans. I'm fine with that. I still don't entirely know what to think about Edwards, but I know enough that I don't hate him, and right now that's good enough for my vote.

Oh, and would it have killed anyone to briefly mention the environment??? C'mon guys. I'm not looking for a bunch of tree-hugging-hippie-crap. I'm not even asking to have a bone thrown at me. Just maybe a Scooby Snack. Even half a Scooby Snack would do. Seriously. We live in it. Let's at least mention it.

Awwwww.....How Romantic

(aka - The Post That Further Affirms Our Stereotypical Lesbian Relationship)

I got The Boss a Shop Vac for her birthday. Excitement ensued. Seriously. This awesome piece of equipment enabled us to turn the nasty garage at our new place into "The Boss's Magical Garage of Happiness." Not only does it suck up anything and everything in it's path, but it also comes with a hand-held portable vac AND a detachable blower with a 265 mph blowing capacity. 265 mph people! That's like, twice the speed of NASCAR. Essentially, we were able to pressure wash our garage with air. Fan-tastic.

We spent most of the weekend at the new place trying to get it ready to move into (cleaning, measuring, trying to figure out which switches control which lights and outlets).

We're really excited about:
- having a lot more room for all of our crap
- a garage that the new truck will actually fit into
- a yard for The Dog
- a yard for us
- a sun porch for The Bird
- 2 fireplaces
- a bathroom on the main floor
- not living on top of our neighbors

We're not so excited about:
- packing and unpacking all of our crap
- the possibility that there's still a water leak in the basement
- one of the upstairs toilets doesn't work properly
- cleaning the utility room in the basement (scary!)
- the World's Smallest Deck

Best. Line. Ever.

Bush: Well, actually, he forgot Poland.
Well, actually, I cried from laughing so hard. And speaking of hard...

Use of the words "hard" and "hardest":
Kerry: zero
Bush: 23 times
Thesaurus much?
And the majority of those uses were in reference to his job. Are we supposed to feel sorry for him? Oh no, your job is so hard. You're doing the best you can but it's hard being the President. No shit. You get no sympathy from me.

Bush: You know, it‘s hard work to try to love her as best as I can, knowing full well that the decision I made caused her loved one to be in harm‘s way.
What does that even mean? I'm assuming that came out wrong, but I can't begin to figure out where he was trying to go with that.

Use of Kerry's wrong war/wrong time/wrong place phrase:
Kerry: zero
Bush: seven
Thank you, President Bush, for reinforcing Senator Kerry's message. Repetition is key.

Lehrer: New question, two minutes, Senator Kerry.
“Colossal misjudgments.” What colossal misjudgments, in your opinion, has President Bush made in these areas?
Kerry: Well, where do you want me to begin?
After a half second of "Did he really just say that!?!?" hysterical laughter kicked in. Lurch made a funny.

Kerry won it fair and square. Was there really any doubt? The real question is, did Bush lose any ground? Someone stated in the newspaper yesterday that all Bush really needed to do was not accidentally set the podium on fire, and he'd come out okay. Sadly, I think that's a pretty accurate statement.

Vote for Kerry, dammit!