I was recently reminded of this and thought I should share.
About a year ago, The Boss and I had former coworker of hers and his girlfriend over to grill out for dinner. We all became inebriated early in the evening, and while the coworker sobered up later for the drive home, his girlfriend stayed quite intoxicated. The next day, he called to thank The Boss for the fun evening and part of their conversation went like this:
The Boss: So we'll have to have you guys over for karaoke more often.
Guy: Next time I might even keep most of my clothes on. I think I embarassed [girlfriend].
The Boss: Well, she was pretty drunk when you two left.
Guy: Yeah. When we got home I had to put her in bed. She couldn't even take off her shoes, so I had to help her.
As The Boss was relaying this to me, I blurted out, "But she was wearing FLIP FLOPS!"
You have to be a special kind of drunk to not be able to take off your flip flops.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Monday, October 03, 2005
Friday, September 16, 2005
Helping The Animals
ASPCA Hurricane Relief - Donate online, sign up to volunteer your time or foster animals
Audubon Relief Effort - Lincoln Park Zoo is heading the fundraising effort for the Audubon Zoo, Audubon Aquarium and the Audubon Center for the Research of Endangered Species. The aquarium lost the majority of its animal collection, which is especially heartbreaking.
Be sure to check with your local animal shelters and animal rescue leagues. Many of them are sending staff members to help with animal rescue efforts in the affected areas. They need monetary donations, supplies and people to foster animals.
For the DC locals:
Phoenix Landing is collecting supplies to care for pet birds affected by the hurricane. Contact Charlotte for further information and dropoff location.
Washington Humane Society's top officer is currently in New Orleans and the Society is housing animals at their DC shelters.
Washington Animal Rescue League sent a team of vets and volunteers to areas affected by the hurricane and will also be housing animals here in DC.
The whole situation is sad. Horribly, horribly, horribly sad. And that's really all I can say about it without tearing up to the point that I can't see the screen well enough to type.
Audubon Relief Effort - Lincoln Park Zoo is heading the fundraising effort for the Audubon Zoo, Audubon Aquarium and the Audubon Center for the Research of Endangered Species. The aquarium lost the majority of its animal collection, which is especially heartbreaking.
Be sure to check with your local animal shelters and animal rescue leagues. Many of them are sending staff members to help with animal rescue efforts in the affected areas. They need monetary donations, supplies and people to foster animals.
For the DC locals:
Phoenix Landing is collecting supplies to care for pet birds affected by the hurricane. Contact Charlotte for further information and dropoff location.
Washington Humane Society's top officer is currently in New Orleans and the Society is housing animals at their DC shelters.
Washington Animal Rescue League sent a team of vets and volunteers to areas affected by the hurricane and will also be housing animals here in DC.
The whole situation is sad. Horribly, horribly, horribly sad. And that's really all I can say about it without tearing up to the point that I can't see the screen well enough to type.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
To Pee Or Not To Pee
Labor Day Camping Weekend was a weekend of important decisions, and I quote:
Regular or high octane?
Should I get onion rings or pizza?
Bud or Bud Light?
I'm not sure if I should shower or puke.
Should I pee in the woods or hike to the porta-potty?
I don't know whether to shit or go to sleep.
Colloquialism of the Trip: Well you don't have a hair on your ass if you let her take the 4-wheeler.
Thing That Rocked
No rain. Not one single drop.
Thing That Sucked
The construction of the new county road that runs through the family farm.
Thing We Were All Thankful For
The porta-potty that was there for the DOT workers.
Thing The Boss And I Got The Most Shit About
Our brand spankin' new 16' x 10' tent that has a sleeping room, a screen room, and a full rain-fly complete with two skylight panels. Oh yes...skylights.
Thing That Brought Us A Little Closer To Nature
The Jolly Rancher that fell out of The Boss' sister's pocket four months ago on our last camping trip, which invited a colony of ants to set up shop in one side of her dad's camper. It was like something out of a horror movie. Even Invert Girl was creeped out.
Thing That Horrified The Boss The Most
The substances being emitted from her 3 week old cousin.
Thing That Horrified Me The Most
Driving Hank for the first time with a very large trailer in tow.
Thing I Most Wish I Had A Picture Of
Me sitting on my 4-wheeler in mud/water up to my knees, being pulled out by another 4-wheeler with a winch.
Thing I Am Thankful I Do Not Have A Picture Of
Me drunk off my ass at the Italian Heritage Festival.
Thing That Made The Boss Most Happy
Making it through the aforementioned mud/water without the help of a winch.
Things That The Boss Bought Me That Are Awesome
Comfy, warm winter vest.
Camo West VA trucker hat.
Shirt with a picture of an armadillo that reads "Get Stuffed Taxidermy and Donuts."
Regular or high octane?
Should I get onion rings or pizza?
Bud or Bud Light?
I'm not sure if I should shower or puke.
Should I pee in the woods or hike to the porta-potty?
I don't know whether to shit or go to sleep.
Colloquialism of the Trip: Well you don't have a hair on your ass if you let her take the 4-wheeler.
Thing That Rocked
No rain. Not one single drop.
Thing That Sucked
The construction of the new county road that runs through the family farm.
Thing We Were All Thankful For
The porta-potty that was there for the DOT workers.
Thing The Boss And I Got The Most Shit About
Our brand spankin' new 16' x 10' tent that has a sleeping room, a screen room, and a full rain-fly complete with two skylight panels. Oh yes...skylights.
Thing That Brought Us A Little Closer To Nature
The Jolly Rancher that fell out of The Boss' sister's pocket four months ago on our last camping trip, which invited a colony of ants to set up shop in one side of her dad's camper. It was like something out of a horror movie. Even Invert Girl was creeped out.
Thing That Horrified The Boss The Most
The substances being emitted from her 3 week old cousin.
Thing That Horrified Me The Most
Driving Hank for the first time with a very large trailer in tow.
Thing I Most Wish I Had A Picture Of
Me sitting on my 4-wheeler in mud/water up to my knees, being pulled out by another 4-wheeler with a winch.
Thing I Am Thankful I Do Not Have A Picture Of
Me drunk off my ass at the Italian Heritage Festival.
Thing That Made The Boss Most Happy
Making it through the aforementioned mud/water without the help of a winch.
Things That The Boss Bought Me That Are Awesome
Comfy, warm winter vest.
Camo West VA trucker hat.
Shirt with a picture of an armadillo that reads "Get Stuffed Taxidermy and Donuts."
Thursday, August 18, 2005
I'll Take "Places You'd Never Guess I Would Be" for $200
Dwight Yoakam concert at the 9:30 Club.
© HJB
© HJB
Thursday, August 04, 2005
She's Having A Baby!
"Little Cari from across the street" is having a baby!
Right now. (Okay technically she'll be induced in 7 minutes.)
Cari is the first person in our neighborhood that we met when my family moved to Georgia. She was 4 years old, lived in the house directly across the street, and the day we moved in, I think we'd barely been there an hour and she came bipping up to our garage holding her gloworm and her "nite nite" and introduced herself.
My Favorite. Cari Story. Ever.
I was with Cari the first time she got pulled over by a cop. We learned that when you get pulled over for speeding in your dad's pickup, and the cop asks you for your insurance and registration, and the passenger (me) opens the glove box to get them, and BULLETS FALL OUT, and both the driver and passenger realize that where there are bullets there is probably a gun, and then both the driver and passenger have a small stroke...it's okay because the cop doesn't care. Also, no ticket for the speeding.
Congratulations to the happy little family!
I still can't believe she's having a baby.
Update: Inducing of labor was delayed until the morning of the 5th. Baby Cooter (that's what The Boss and I have decided to call him) was born August 5th at 7:47pm. He was 8 pounds, 19 inches.
Right now. (Okay technically she'll be induced in 7 minutes.)
Cari is the first person in our neighborhood that we met when my family moved to Georgia. She was 4 years old, lived in the house directly across the street, and the day we moved in, I think we'd barely been there an hour and she came bipping up to our garage holding her gloworm and her "nite nite" and introduced herself.
My Favorite. Cari Story. Ever.
I was with Cari the first time she got pulled over by a cop. We learned that when you get pulled over for speeding in your dad's pickup, and the cop asks you for your insurance and registration, and the passenger (me) opens the glove box to get them, and BULLETS FALL OUT, and both the driver and passenger realize that where there are bullets there is probably a gun, and then both the driver and passenger have a small stroke...it's okay because the cop doesn't care. Also, no ticket for the speeding.
Congratulations to the happy little family!
I still can't believe she's having a baby.
Update: Inducing of labor was delayed until the morning of the 5th. Baby Cooter (that's what The Boss and I have decided to call him) was born August 5th at 7:47pm. He was 8 pounds, 19 inches.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Georgia On My Mind...And In The Backseat...And Also The Trunk
Tomorrow, after nearly three weeks in the great state of Georgia, The Bird and I and lots of my stuff that has been in my parents' attic will be trekking back home in a Ford Taurus (or similar). I hope it all fits. Being able to see out the windows is overrated anyway, right?
Lots to write about and tons of pictures to post, however, the prehistoric internet connection here is too slow to upload anything, and I opted for spending more time with people than the computer. But I keep scribbling notes on random scraps of paper so I don't forget the good stuff.
The only person who will be happy to see me go:
Affectionately referred to as The Favorite Daughter, this little clown has been stalking me since I arrived. Sometimes she likes me, sometimes she don't. This visit - she don't. Next visit - she might like me. She's a bird. It's what they do.
© Screaming Pea Productions
Lots to write about and tons of pictures to post, however, the prehistoric internet connection here is too slow to upload anything, and I opted for spending more time with people than the computer. But I keep scribbling notes on random scraps of paper so I don't forget the good stuff.
The only person who will be happy to see me go:
Affectionately referred to as The Favorite Daughter, this little clown has been stalking me since I arrived. Sometimes she likes me, sometimes she don't. This visit - she don't. Next visit - she might like me. She's a bird. It's what they do.© Screaming Pea Productions
Saturday, July 16, 2005
I'll Take "Places You'd Never Guess I Would Be" For $800
Harry Potter Midnight Magic Party at the Fayetteville Barnes and Noble.
Some of you might have to re-read the previous sentence again. I know I did.
Some of you might have to re-read the previous sentence again. I know I did.
Monday, July 11, 2005
Out Of The Mouths Of Babes
I went potty all by myself this past weekend (which isn't necessarily all that different from any other weekend, or weekday for that matter) however this past weekend I had the added bonus of being congratulated for it. Spent the weekend with a childhood friend and her 3 year old and 18 month old, and at their house going potty is a BIG DEAL. Being in GA for three weeks gave me a chance to spend quality time with people who I usually see for only a half day at best. A weekend of cartoon shaped cereal, animated movies, bedtime stories, smooching little kid cheeks, and "Yay! You went potty!" was exactly what I needed. The 18 month old wasn't very talkative, but she loves me and that's all that really matters. She can talk, she just doesn't. But you can tell the wheels in her head are going 90 mph most of the time. When she does start making complete sentences, they will have something to do with quantum physics.
I can always count on the 3 year old for funny little conversations...
L: I can be an animal.
Me: You can? What animal are you?
L: I don't know.
Me: You're a monkey.
L: No I'm not.
Me: Okay then, what are you?
L: I'm a lion *raaawwrrrr*
Me: That's a good lion sound. Where do lions live?
L: Outside.
Me: Yes they do. Am I an animal?
L: Yes.
Me: What animal am I?
L: You're a monkey.
Me: Okay, I can be a monkey. But do lions eat monkeys?
L: No. They eat rocks.
Me: Lions eat rocks?
L: Yes.
Me: Okay. I did not know that. Do monkeys eat rocks, too?
L: No. You eat poop. *cackle*
Me: No...I think I will eat you.
*lots of screaming and laughing*
I can always count on the 3 year old for funny little conversations...
L: I can be an animal.
Me: You can? What animal are you?
L: I don't know.
Me: You're a monkey.
L: No I'm not.
Me: Okay then, what are you?
L: I'm a lion *raaawwrrrr*
Me: That's a good lion sound. Where do lions live?
L: Outside.
Me: Yes they do. Am I an animal?
L: Yes.
Me: What animal am I?
L: You're a monkey.
Me: Okay, I can be a monkey. But do lions eat monkeys?
L: No. They eat rocks.
Me: Lions eat rocks?
L: Yes.
Me: Okay. I did not know that. Do monkeys eat rocks, too?
L: No. You eat poop. *cackle*
Me: No...I think I will eat you.
*lots of screaming and laughing*
Perfect Timing
I went with Dad today to one of his many medical appointments. About halfway there I decided this would be a good time to tell him I got fired for two reasons: 1) It's a short ride, so a three hour lecture was out of the question and 2) He's usually a little loopy after he sees the pain specialist and I figured if the news made him mad he wouldn't care by the time he left the office.
Me: So I got fired.
Dad: You what?
Me: I got fired.
Dad: How did that happen?
(Insert discussion of standard questions and answers that go along with my firing.)
We arrive at the doctor's office. Dad fills out forms. We continue the discussion. He's not mad. And then at the end of the conversation he says what I have determined to be the best statement made during a discussion related to my firing: "Well, a few guys I worked with got fired for making guns on their lunch breaks with company machinery."
The kicker? Those guys got their jobs back.
Me: So I got fired.
Dad: You what?
Me: I got fired.
Dad: How did that happen?
(Insert discussion of standard questions and answers that go along with my firing.)
We arrive at the doctor's office. Dad fills out forms. We continue the discussion. He's not mad. And then at the end of the conversation he says what I have determined to be the best statement made during a discussion related to my firing: "Well, a few guys I worked with got fired for making guns on their lunch breaks with company machinery."
The kicker? Those guys got their jobs back.
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